FALLS CHURCH, VA – As the soft light of morning shone through the window and lapped across the face of Chris Cillizza, the CNN political commentator was disappointed to come to the realization that Bernie Sanders does in fact exist,… Read More ›
Chris Cillizza
DNC Creates Super-Duper Delegate, Just in Case
WASHINGTON, DC – The Democratic National Committee has announced the creation of a super-duper-delegate to deploy in the event second-ballot voting doesn’t select a nominee during a brokered convention. After calls for reform by progressives following the 2016 democratic primaries,… Read More ›
Beto O’Rourke Sends Expletive-laden Donation Plea
EL PASO, TX – Democratic presidential candidate Beto O’Rourke has delivered an expletive-laden plea for campaign donations, sources confirm. “I’ve been traveling from coast to motherfucking coast meeting voters like you who are worried about the future of our kickass… Read More ›
DNC Planning to Nominate Reanimated Hubert Humphrey for 2020 Run
WASHINGTON, DC – With the party struggling to find a standard bearer to represent democrats in the presidential race against Donald Trump in 2020, party insiders are floating the idea of elevating Hubert Humphrey to the nomination, BeetPress has learned…. Read More ›
Elizabeth Warren Campaign Struggling to Keep up with Copying Sanders
BOSTON, MA – According to sources, Elizabeth Warren has been struggling to keep up with copying Senator Bernie Sanders’ campaign platform as the 2020 democratic primary intensifies. Campaign staff, recognizing Warren’s refusal to endorse Sanders’ insurgent 2016 campaign with the… Read More ›
Kamala Harris: Make McRib Available Year Round
SAN FRANCISCO, CA – Just in time for the second series of democratic debates, California Senator and candidate Kamala Harris has unveiled her plan to make the McRib sandwich available throughout the year. According to the Harris campaign, yea-round access… Read More ›
Biden Announces ‘Win a Kiss from Joe’ Contest
PHILADELPHIA, PA – The Biden for President Campaign has announced a contest in which one lucky winner will have the opportunity to meet and kiss the presidential candidate after a campaign rally. According to his campaign website, one lucky recipient… Read More ›
