The 2020 election cycle is well underway, and many candidates have weighed in on a variety of topics. BeetPress will be visiting these topics to see where the candidates stand on the […]
Candidates on the Issues: The McRib
Joe Biden Surprised to Find He’s Still Frontrunner
PHILADELPHIA, PA – During a recent campaign strategy meeting, presidential candidate and former vice president Joe Biden was surprised to find that he is still the frontrunner, leading in all national polls. […]
Nate Silver Spends Saturday Night Masturbating to Iowa Polls
NEW YORK, NY – Statistician and fivethirtyeight.com editor Nate Silver spent the bulk of Saturday evening masturbating to the latest DMR/Selzer polling data out of Iowa. “I had a date with some […]
Chris Cillizza Has That Dream Again Where Bernie Doesn’t Exist
FALLS CHURCH, VA – As the soft light of morning shone through the window and lapped across the face of Chris Cillizza, the CNN political commentator was disappointed to come to the […]
DNC Creates Super-Duper Delegate, Just in Case
WASHINGTON, DC – The Democratic National Committee has announced the creation of a super-duper-delegate to deploy in the event second-ballot voting doesn’t select a nominee during a brokered convention. After calls for […]
Warren Concerned as 23andMe Releases Political Ideology Test
BOSTON, MA – Sources close to the presidential candidate have reported that Massachusetts Senator Elizabeth Warren is concerned that genomics and biotechnology company 23andMe has recently released a political ideology test. Warren, […]
Sanders Releases Plan to Erase Library Debt
BURLINGTON, VT – The Bernie Sanders campaign has released a comprehensive plan to erase overdue library fines for over 25 million Americans. “In the United States of America, your financial life and […]
Delaney Wows 20,000-plus Crowd
MINNEAPOLIS, MN – Just three weeks ago, pundits had counted John Delaney out – he was attracting small crowds, polling in the low single digits, and seemingly unable to gain traction in […]
Political Activist Actually Just Sad, Bitter Little Man
NEW YORK, NY – For many political enthusiasts, having your favored candidate lose an election can be a difficult experience, but for Dan Week, Hillary Clinton’s 2016 loss against Donald Trump was […]
Sanders Mourns Loss of 2nd Favorite Nemesis
NEW YORK, NY – Upon hearing the news of billionaire David Koch’s passing at age 79, Bernie Sanders bowed his head in quiet reflection of the thousands of times he had invoked […]
