BOSTON, MA – Just days after the rollout of her Medicare for All [Who Want It] plan, Elizabeth Warren has become the second LGBTQ democratic candidate by announcing that she is a […]
Elizabeth Warren: Yep, I’m Gay
Mass Shooting Death Toll Required to Capture Nation’s Attention Rises to 17
NEW YORK – According to mainstream news outlets, the average death toll from a mass shooting required to capture the national attention has risen to seventeen. This number is up from August […]
Yang Asks Supporter for Molly
DES MOINES, IA – At his Yangapalooza campaign event on Friday, democratic presidential candidate Andrew Yang asked a supporter if he could provide him with Molly, according to sources. Molly, the street […]
Pence Has Whole Slate of Homophobic Policy Ready in Case Trump Impeached
WASHINGTON, DC – Vice President Mike Pence spent the weekend putting together a myriad of anti-gay proposals in the event that President Donald Trump is impeached. According to Pence, the first thing […]
Ellen Invites God Hates Fags People to Carve Pumpkins
LOS ANGELES, CA – Ellen DeGeneres, comedian and host of the Ellen DeGeneres Show, got into the holiday spirit this week by carving pumpkins with several of the God Hates Fags people. […]
Americans Fondly Recall Days When President was Homophobic Murderer
UNITED STATES – Nearly three years into Donald Trump’s presidency, nostalgic Americans are fondly recalling better times in which the president was a simply a homophobic war criminal. “Every time I turn […]
DNA Test Proves Sanders not Salvadoran
BURLINGTON, VT – Senator Bernie Sanders is running damage control after a DNA test disproved his long-held claim that he’s of Salvadoran descent. Sanders agreed to take the DNA test, provided by […]
Jacob Wohl Releases Statement Claiming to Have Slept with a Woman
WASHINGTON, DC – Former blogger and far-right conspiracy theorist Jacob Wohl, who has been accused of releasing false stories of sexual misconduct by Mayor Pete Buttigieg and Elizabeth Warren, held a press […]
Dems Seeking Middle Aged Queer Black Woman to Run for President
WASHINGTON, DC – In an effort to not alienate voters, the democratic party has chosen a queer black middle-aged woman to seek the nomination for president. With such a diverse selection of […]
Candidates on the Issues: The McRib
The 2020 election cycle is well underway, and many candidates have weighed in on a variety of topics. BeetPress will be visiting these topics to see where the candidates stand on the […]
