BURLINGTON, VT – Senator Bernie Sanders is running damage control after a DNA test disproved his long-held claim that he’s of Salvadoran descent. Sanders agreed to take the DNA test, provided by […]
DNA Test Proves Sanders not Salvadoran
Jacob Wohl Releases Statement Claiming to Have Slept with a Woman
WASHINGTON, DC – Former blogger and far-right conspiracy theorist Jacob Wohl, who has been accused of releasing false stories of sexual misconduct by Mayor Pete Buttigieg and Elizabeth Warren, held a press […]
Dems Seeking Middle Aged Queer Black Woman to Run for President
WASHINGTON, DC – In an effort to not alienate voters, the democratic party has chosen a queer black middle-aged woman to seek the nomination for president. With such a diverse selection of […]
Candidates on the Issues: The McRib
The 2020 election cycle is well underway, and many candidates have weighed in on a variety of topics. BeetPress will be visiting these topics to see where the candidates stand on the […]
Liberals Harken Back to Halcyon Obama Days When There Were No Problems
SAN FRANCISCO, CA – Nearly three years into Trump’s presidency, liberals across America are longing for the days of yore, when Barack Obama was president, and the biggest concern facing most people […]
Trump Warns Ohio to Prepare for Hurricane Dorian
WASHINGTON, DC – President Donald Trump tweeted out to the residents of Ohio to hunker down and be prepared for the arrival of Hurricane Dorian later this week. At a press conference, […]
DoD to Allow Trump One Nuke Against Dorian
ARLINGTON, VA – The Department of Defense has reportedly allowed President Donald Trump the use of one nuclear weapon against Hurricane Dorian, a controversial move intended to satiate the President and get […]
Voters Want to Know: Who’s Eating What at the Iowa State Fair?
DES MOINES, IA – Every four years, presidential candidates flock to the Iowa State Fair to connect with voters, pose for photo ops, and to sample some of the many varieties of […]
Jeffrey Epstein Asks Judge for 12 Year-old Lawyer
NEW YORK, NY – As the Jeffrey Epstein trial continues, the judge has denied Epstein’s request to have a 12 year-old girl represent him. “Your honor, this is an outrage,” said Epstein […]
NRA Allows Congress to Introduce, Block Gun Reform
FAIRFAX, VA – After a series of deadly mass shootings over the weekend, the National Rifle Association as reportedly called upon Congress to introduce and block commonsense gun reform legislation. “Like every […]
