Author Archives
Satirist, Filmmaker, Person
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DNA Test Proves Sanders not Salvadoran
BURLINGTON, VT – Senator Bernie Sanders is running damage control after a DNA test disproved his long-held claim that he’s of Salvadoran descent. Sanders agreed to take the DNA test, provided by biotech company 23andMe, after President Donald Trump repeatedly… Read More ›
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Breaking: Beginning of the End for Trump
WASHINGTON, DC – With the latest news coming out of Washington, sources confirm this is the beginning of the end of President Donald Trump. “The walls are definitely closing in,” commented MSNBC’s Rachel Maddow, who added, “as I’ve said before,… Read More ›
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Jacob Wohl Releases Statement Claiming to Have Slept with a Woman
WASHINGTON, DC – Former blogger and far-right conspiracy theorist Jacob Wohl, who has been accused of releasing false stories of sexual misconduct by Mayor Pete Buttigieg and Elizabeth Warren, held a press conference on Thursday where he claimed to have… Read More ›
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Dems Seeking Middle Aged Queer Black Woman to Run for President
WASHINGTON, DC – In an effort to not alienate voters, the democratic party has chosen a queer black middle-aged woman to seek the nomination for president. With such a diverse selection of candidates, voters are faced with a unique challenge…. Read More ›
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Candidates on the Issues: The McRib
The 2020 election cycle is well underway, and many candidates have weighed in on a variety of topics. BeetPress will be visiting these topics to see where the candidates stand on the issues Americans care most about. For many Americans,… Read More ›
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Joe Biden Surprised to Find He’s Still Frontrunner
PHILADELPHIA, PA – During a recent campaign strategy meeting, presidential candidate and former vice president Joe Biden was surprised to find that he is still the frontrunner, leading in all national polls. “Aggregate data shows polling is up four point… Read More ›
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Nate Silver Spends Saturday Night Masturbating to Iowa Polls
NEW YORK, NY – Statistician and fivethirtyeight.com editor Nate Silver spent the bulk of Saturday evening masturbating to the latest DMR/Selzer polling data out of Iowa. “I had a date with some friends for drinks, but when data comes out… Read More ›
