Author Archives
Satirist, Filmmaker, Person
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Beto O’Rourke Sends Expletive-laden Donation Plea
EL PASO, TX – Democratic presidential candidate Beto O’Rourke has delivered an expletive-laden plea for campaign donations, sources confirm. “I’ve been traveling from coast to motherfucking coast meeting voters like you who are worried about the future of our kickass… Read More ›
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Sanders Releases Plan to Erase Library Debt
BURLINGTON, VT – The Bernie Sanders campaign has released a comprehensive plan to erase overdue library fines for over 25 million Americans. “In the United States of America, your financial life and future should not be destroyed because you or… Read More ›
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DoD to Allow Trump One Nuke Against Dorian
ARLINGTON, VA – The Department of Defense has reportedly allowed President Donald Trump the use of one nuclear weapon against Hurricane Dorian, a controversial move intended to satiate the President and get the idea out of his system. “I got… Read More ›
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Dem Candidate Promises $1000/month if You Vote for Him, Nothing if You Don’t.
NEW YORK, NY – Democratic candidate and entrepreneur Andrew Yang has promised, if elected president, he will provide each American aged 18 – 64 a universal basic income (UBI) of $1000 per month if they vote for him in the… Read More ›
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Delaney Wows 20,000-plus Crowd
MINNEAPOLIS, MN – Just three weeks ago, pundits had counted John Delaney out – he was attracting small crowds, polling in the low single digits, and seemingly unable to gain traction in the crowded field of democratic candidates. Rumors spread… Read More ›
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Pete Buttigieg Vows to Restore White House Hardwood Floors in First Term
SOUTH BEND, IN – As the campaign season drags on, candidates are spreading across the country outlining their plans for healthcare, climate change, and gun control, but South Bend Mayor Pete Buttigieg is campaigning on one major issue that the… Read More ›
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DNC Planning to Nominate Reanimated Hubert Humphrey for 2020 Run
WASHINGTON, DC – With the party struggling to find a standard bearer to represent democrats in the presidential race against Donald Trump in 2020, party insiders are floating the idea of elevating Hubert Humphrey to the nomination, BeetPress has learned…. Read More ›
