LOS ANGELES, CA – Upon learning through leaked documents that the Supreme Court intends to overturn the landmark abortion-rights case Roe v Wade, desperate liberals are pleading with actress Susan Sarandon to uphold the 1973 ruling.
Generally understood as the most powerful woman in America, pundits have long credited Susan Sarandon’s refusal to support Hillary Clinton in the 2016 presidential election as the sole reason the former Secretary of State lost the election to reality TV star Donald Trump, thus paving the way for a more conservative Supreme Court. Molly Knight, a senior staff writer for The Atlantic, tweeted Tuesday “@SusanSarandon I HOPE YOU ARE HAPPY” in response of Sarandon’s decision to convince liberal justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg to abandon her plans to retire from the Supreme Court during the Obama administration and wait until 2020 to pass away during the Trump administration, thus opening the door to Amy Coney Barrett’s appointment to the bench.
Historians have also pointed out the it was Susan Sarandon who ordered a private meeting with Barack Obama, urging him to abandon his 2008 campaign promise to codify Roe v Wade into law through the Freedom of Choice Act.
According to sources, Susan Sarandon has had a hand in virtually every liberal failure since President Jimmy Carter’s historic 1980 loss to actor Ronald Reagan. “From the improper handing of the AIDS crisis, to the failures of the Iraq War, Susan Sarandon’s failure to fall in line behind establishment Democrats has cost this country big time,” said liberal Twitter user The Hoarse Whisperer (@TheRealHoarse), adding “Susan Sarandon is a shitty, stupid human being. She is a dilettantish, narcissistic idiot. A stupid, self-absorbed asshole. Seriously, this privileged asswipe has been a scourge of left politics for decades.”
In a move described as ‘pure desperation’, liberals are pleading with Sarandon to allow the democrat-controlled House, Senate, and White House to do ‘something, anything’ to save Roe v Wade – at the very least, abolish the filibuster and codify abortion rights into law. “It’s obvious that Susan Sarandon is responsible for everything bad that happens in the country,” said comedian Kate Willett. “Susan Sarandon should pass a federal law legalizing abortion in all 50 states. Her inaction on this is outrageous.”
“We’ll take back everything bad we’ve said about you, please just let us have abortions,” pleaded liberals.