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Facebook Introduces “Pimp My Profile” Feature to Attract MySpace Users

MENLO PARK, CA – In an effort to improve its social media experience and bolster its waning user base, Facebook will introduce a series of new features to compete against rival MySpace.

According to analysts, Facebook’s membership has been steadily declining over the past few years as rivals such as MySpace and Google+ have been snapping up an ever-increasing share of the market. “In order to remain on top, we have to innovate, and this includes some major redesigns. It might take a bit of getting used to, but at the end of the day, I think our users are going to love the new Facebook,” said Mark Zuckerburg, founder of Facebook and CEO of Facebook owner Meta Platforms.

In an email sent out to Meta shareholders, COO Sheryl Sandberg explained that the redesign will focus on discovering music, videos and games, and place less emphasis on connecting with friends. “Our users are going to love curated music playlists based on their browsing habits, smart advertisements, and our dynamic new pimp my profile feature which will allow users to add stunning backgrounds, colorful fonts, and music to their profile using simple HTML code.”

“What Facebook failed to do is evolve,” CNN’s Chris Godzilla told Beet Press. “MySpace really embraced the Millennial Generation by offering flashy graphics, wallpapers, and a ton of fun features – and then made it about the music, the universal language! Meta hopes to win over the younger generation, the so-called Zoomers, by making Facebook fun again. Can they do it? We’ll see.”

A select group of Facebook users have been given early access to the updates with mixed opinions.

“It’s too flashy,” complained Columbus, Ohio grandmother Linda McBee. “I clicked on my granddaughter’s profile to see what she’s been doing in school, and the whole thing is just a mess of singers I’ve never heard of, blinking words, and text I can barely see.”

Chicago area uncle Jeff Carlyle has a similar opinion, saying “first off, it’s slow as hell now; it takes forever to load. Over half the page is ads, the only emails I get are spam, and most of the pages I click on blast me with music I can’t figure out how to turn off. Quite frankly, I hate it.”

As of press time, Beet Press has learned that pop superstar Justin Timberlake is in negotiations to purchase the flailing Facebook social media platform for a reported $35 million.

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