Political Briefs

Ukraine Considers Name Change to Kuwait in Hopes of Military Aid

KYIV, UKRAINE – Ukraine president Volodymyr Zelenskyy announced Friday that he is considering changing his country’s name to Kuwait in hopes that a coalition of forces led by the United States and Great Britain will expel Russian troops from his country. “In 1990, Saddam Hussein sends a few thousand troops into Kuwait, and suddenly a million troops are raining hellfire on Iraq,” explained Zelenskyy, adding “I feel like a three-legged cat trying to bury turds on a frozen pond here trying to repel these Russian troops, meanwhile the US and her allies are more than capable of launching a prolonged air campaign and ground invasion to repel Putin’s army. Christ, they even have weapons of mass destruction, what’s it going to take to get some help here?” As of press time, Zelenskyy is mulling sending a crying fifteen year old to testify before the US Congressional Human Rights Caucus about Russian troops tossing babies out of incubators or somehow getting Dick Cheney involved.

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