KABUL, AFGHANISTAN – According to sources familiar with the matter, Al-Qaeda will commemorate the 20th anniversary of the September 11th, 2001 terrorist attacks on the United States by flying a US-based jetliner into the World Trade Center.
The terrorist organization has reportedly been planning the commemoration since August 15th, 2021, when Kabul fell to the Taliban. US intelligence suggests that the Taliban is providing logistical and material support for the operation in Afghanistan.
“Like everyone else in the world, we were captivated by the bold and brazen attacks on America’s military and financial centers twenty years ago,” Hibatullah Akhundzada, supreme leader of the Taliban, told BeetPress. “We can’t think of a more fitting and appropriate way to commemorate the attacks, as well as America’s withdrawal from Afghanistan, than by Al-Qaeda operatives ceremoniously hijacking an American Airlines 787 Dreamliner out of Boston’s Logan Airport and flying it directly into the World Trade Center.”
American leaders respond
Upon hearing of the proposed commemoration, New York Mayor Bill de Blasio said “New York is the greatest city in the world, and her citizens are the most resilient. As has been in the past, and will be in the future, New Yorkers will handle whatever the world throws at them. Go big, or go home.”
President Joe Biden issued a statement saying Al-Qaeda and the Taliban “best keep their noses out of America’s business if it knows what’s good for them,” before settling in for a mid-morning nap.
CNN political commentator Chris Cillizza offered cautious praise, saying “as horrific as this bold and brazen attack will be, it will serve to galvanize Americans. This will be the perfect catalyst to reverse our ever-increasing polarization. We’ll see Republicans and Democrats finally come together with the common goal of launching a full-scale ground invasion to liberate Syria from tyranny. China too, maybe.”
News of the commemoration is having a positive effect on the stock market with Raytheon up 27%, Lockheed-Martin up 35%, and Northrop Grumman up 48% as of press time.