NEW YORK, NY – Spring is finally here, and girlfriends across the country are ready to put the trauma of the past year behind them and meet up with their gal-pals to kick back and enjoy a refreshing early-afternoon drink. Unfortunately for many, the limited options for refreshing lightly alcoholic hard seltzer beverages is leaving them high and dry.
“2020 was a hell of a year,” explained Manhattan-based paralegal Meagan Reid, on-again off-again girlfriend of Chad Parker. “With warmer weather finally here, I’m ready to kick back on the roof deck and enjoy a cold adult beverage with some of the girls from the virtual office. Turns out, there’s only a scant 30 or 40 seltzer options at the local deli. Like, where’s the variety?” she added.
These sentiments are echoed by Bethany Carmichael, Brooklyn Park girlfriend of Josh Brownstone. “They were out of my top choice Bon & Viv Clementine Hibiscus yesterday, so I was forced to choose between White Claw, Vizzy, and a meager 78 other brands available,” said Carmichael. “Would a bit more variety kill the industry?”
More Choice Might Not be Better
According to John Tabbard, a spokesperson for the National Hard Seltzer Association, ample variety is great, but too many choices might actually make it more difficult to choose. “What we’ve observed is that while the nation’s boyfriends have literally hundreds of beer options. They tend to get overwhelmed, give up, and go for Budweiser or Coors Light,” explained Tabbard. “Given anything over 90 or 100 options, girlfriend consumers may give up in frustration and opt for a tried and true sparkling Rosé or [gin and tonic], abandoning their original intent to drink a refreshing low-calorie hard seltzer.”
“I’ve tried about 65 brands so far – High Noon Sun Sips, Truly, Seagrams, Corona, Michelob Ultra Organic Seltzer, and I just can’t settle on, you know, my brand,” explained Tim Samsel’s girlfriend Tabitha. “Tim’s in and out of the market in 2 minutes with a case of Modelo Especial. Thirty minutes later, I’m still trying to find the seltzer brand and flavor combination that might be the one. I need more choices! It’s frustrating. Guys have it so easy.”
The hard seltzer craze began with its invention by 5th-generation brewer Nick Shields in 2013. Since then, the fizzy drink has exploded in popularity with ever increasing demand from our nation’s health-conscious, yet still functionally alcoholic girlfriends.
The Industry Responds
Major players in the adult beverage industry, from Pabst Brewing Company to Corona, have introduced their own hard seltzers in the last couple of years in an attempt to capture a segment of the growing market. With over 7,450 active breweries in the United States, and by some estimates only around 100 hard seltzer brands, it’s clear that there’s ample room for growth. This is welcome news to my girlfriend Tammy who still hasn’t found the one that hits the spot, if you know what I mean.
“What is this, East Germany? I thought we were supposed to have a free market in America,” said Tammy. “I went to Fred Meyer yesterday and they had, what, 28, 30 kinds of hard seltzer, maybe? What is this dystopian hell-scape we’re living in? Give me some choices!”
As of press time, La Croix has confirmed they’ve just launched a new line of light hard seltzers for the fitness-focused girlfriend called La Croix Rafraîch that contains no sugar, no calories, no flavors, and no alcohol.