WASHINGTON, DC – In his first week in office, President Joe Biden has wasted no time righting the wrongs of the past by signing a series of executive orders to empower women and people of color. Central to Biden’s commitment to equity is the recognition of marginalized people through our national currency.
“If you look at a dollar bill, a five, a ten, you’re going to see an old white man,” explained Press Secretary Jennifer Rene Psaki. “Twenty, fifty, the venerable hundo – all cisgendered Caucasian males. Well, this stops with the Biden administration. It’s important that our notes, if you know what those are – our money, reflect the history and diversity of our nation.”
Biden has signaled that he intends to update all denominations by year’s end, starting with the $20 bill, replacing former president Andrew Jackson, a slave owner, with abolitionist and political activist Harriet Tubman. The next revamp will be the $50 bill, replacing Ulysses S. Grant, a cisgendered white male General, with former Secretary of State Hillary Rodham Clinton.
“Hillary Clinton is a national hero and an inspiration to not just me, but little girls everywhere,” said Psaki, wiping away a tear. “What a fitting tribute to her contribution to our society, and a recognition of her almost breaking the glass ceiling, by putting her face on the fifty.”
Other currency updates being considered include replacing Lincoln with former president Barack Obama’s image on the five, replacing Alexander Hamilton with Broadway star Lin-Manuel Miranda on the ten, and swapping Benjamin Franklin with Nancy Pelosi on the $100 bill.
Reactions have been mixed
“It is about damn time they give Hillary the credit she deserves,” said Mr. Week, a blogger and host of Politicking with Mr. Week. “I’m so sick of seeing ratchet-ass white men on everything, especially that grifter Bernie Sanders. [Expletive deleted] his mittens and [expletive deleted] him for trying to sabotage Hillary’s election, which she won in a landslide, by the way.”
Others have expressed disappointment with the move, including D-list actor Antonio Sabato, Jr, who said “they’re coming in sideways putting Crooked Hillary on the fifty. If they’re going to replace a Civil War hero with anyone, it should be with Donald Trump, and not just on the fifty. Trump should be on the hundred dollar bill, the thousand dollar bill, and Mount Rushmore.”
Mostly, however, people are indifferent. “No one uses cash money anymore, much less fifty dollar bills,” said unemployed flight attendant Diana Osborne. “Unless Joe Biden wants to give me $2000 worth of these Hillary fifties like he promised so I can actually pay my rent next month, I couldn’t care less.”
As of press time, BeetPress has confirmed that the Biden administration has abandoned plans to raise the minimum wage in favor of replacing the Jefferson Monument with a memorial to the first female vice-presidential candidate Geraldine Ferraro.