Biden announces 100-year phase-in of $15 minimum wage

WASHINGTON, DC – Touting it as a victory for working class Americans, the Biden administration has announced an increase of the federal minimum wage from $7.25 to $15 to be phased in over 100 years.

According to sources, the minimum wage hike, part of a larger Coronavirus relief bill, will increase the minimum wage by seven cents per year until fully implemented in 2121.

The minimum wage increase is welcome news to progressive voters who expressed disappointment after Biden’s promise of $2000 Covid-19 economic relief checks was watered down to a single $50 Amazon gift card.

“This bill signifies our unwavering commitment to the American worker, and recognition that everyone who works a 40-hour work week deserves almost a living wage,” said Biden during the signing ceremony. “But we must also take into consideration that the increase might put undue stress on already burdened small businesses, which is why we’re raising the minimum wage incrementally, a few cents per year, for the next century.”

Shortly after signing the relief bill, Biden announced his support for a healthcare overhaul plan that would increase the number insured Americans by 10 million no later than 2321 and reduce prescription drug prices by 2.5% by 2221. He also rolled out a college debt relief plan that would erase up to $500 of debt for Pell Grant recipients who start a business in an impoverished neighborhood with no fewer than 250 employees and remain open and profitable for a period of 10 years.

CNN political analyst Chris Cillizza touted the plan saying “American’s have spoken loud and clear, and the Biden administration is listening. While the rollout may take longer than some would like, what’s clear is that the Fight for $15 is over – and $15 has prevailed.”

Republicans have expressed disappointment, including Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell who said that the bill will kill American jobs. “The increase in minimum wage, paired with a disastrous environmental proposal to reduce greenhouse gas emissions 20% by the year 2521 will decimate the American economy and lead to widespread unemployment,” said McConnell.

As of press time, BeetPress has confirmed that Biden intends to spend the remainder of his first term solely focused on renaming the Paul Findley Federal Building, in Springfield, Illinois after the first black female senator Carol Moseley Braun.

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