Politics

Transportation Secretary Buttigieg proposes high-speed model trains

Mayo Pete Likes Model Trains

WASHINGTON, DC – Secretary of Transportation-elect Pete Buttigieg has laid out an ambitious infrastructure plan that includes building thousands of high-speed model train sets in basements and recreation rooms across America.

“When we think Build Back Better, the first word is build,” explained Secretary-elect Buttigieg “and I’ve had a love of building model trains since childhood. That’s why I’m introducing a plan to make modern, high-speed model trains more affordable and accessible to all Americans.”

Although his proposal will give children and hobbyists access to high-speed model train sets, Buttigieg is quick to point out that the choice is ultimately in the hands of hobbyist. “This isn’t a one-size-fits-all approach. If you like your HO-scale steam train setup, you can keep your HO-scale steam train setup,” said Buttigieg. “I call my plan High-Speed-Model-Trains-for-All Who-Want-It.”

Buttigieg points out that Japanese and Western Europe train enthusiasts have been building high-speed model trains at a rate that far outpaces American counterparts.

“Japan has been at the forefront of high-speed model train development while American train sets have been languishing in basements and garages, collecting dust,” said Buttigieg. “Not only will America modernize her model-train networks, but together with HUD Secretary Marcia Fudge, we’re going to provide hundreds of dollars in block grants to [gentrify] America’s miniaturized downtowns.”

While most model train enthusiasts welcome the proposal, some are skeptical, including Dayton, OH model train enthusiast Charles Becker. “I’ve been building up my model train network for decades, and it has served me well,” said Becker. “I’ll be damned if some government bureaucrats are going to force me to upgrade to some socialist N-scale high-speed model.”

As of press time, BeetPress has confirmed that Secretary Buttigieg has abandoned his high-speed model train proposal following a brief meeting with key players from the model airplane industry.

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