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Covid-19 relief bill just gives $908B to Jeff Bezos

Covid-19 relief bill just gives $1T to Jeff Bezos

WASHINGTON, DC – A bipartisan Covid-19 relief bill introduced in Congress will give Amazon CEO Jeff Bezos $908 billion if passed. Although this latest stimulus falls short of providing American taxpayers a second relief check, lawmakers say people will benefit.

“I’m proud that we have reached a bipartisan agreement. This bill provides Jeff Bezos with nearly a trillion dollars in much needed funding,” said House Speaker Nancy Pelosi during a press conference. “Although the Bezos Covid Relief Act falls short of providing Americans another $1200 check, we’re confident that Mr. Bezos will pass some of the benefit down to taxpayers.”

Free Amazon Prime

A spokesperson for Amazon explained that if the bill passes, Amazon will be able to provide up to three months of free Amazon Prime to over 30 million households and renew Tim Gunn and Heidi Klum’s Making the Cut for a second season.

“Amazon has been our saving grace throughout this pandemic,” explained Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell. “Mr. Bezos has literally been our lifeline for the last few months. I’m proud to support this effort to give Jeff Bezos a check for $908 billion, no questions asked.”

Democrats originally hoped the bill would provide financial assistance for all Americans as well as an extension in unemployment benefits. Republicans favored a plan that would provide sweeping tax cuts to households earning over $250,000 annually. Ultimately both sides agreed to give Bezos the sum of the stimulus and let him figure out the rest.

The Amazon spokesperson explained that the funding will have a substantial impact on company logistics and operations. “Just think of new, robotically controlled and fully automated fulfillment centers. Think of a fleet of thousands of drones delivering anything you need in under an hour,” explained the spokesperson. “Groceries, drinks, clothes, even the Covid vaccine – anything you used to buy in a retail store will now be available instantly, delivered to your home through our mobile app.”

Taxpayers react

“I was hoping for a check,” explained Charlotte Potter, who lost her restaurant management job in April. “It’s going to be pretty nice not having to go to my local store and put myself at risk for Covid-19. Now I can stay home, order in everything I need, and binge watch Making the Cut and Zombie Cats from Mars, providing I still have a home. I’m a few months behind on the rent, but I’m confident Jeff Bezos will use his extreme wealth to bail us out of this situation.”

Jeff Hastings, an unemployed forklift operator, told BeetPress “while a tax cut or some relief would be nice, Bezos has worked really hard and deserves every penny he gets. He built that company from the ground up. It’s just a shame he’s automating everything, otherwise I’d try for a job at an Amazon warehouse.”

SpaceX founder and Tesla CEO Elon Musk has reportedly approached Bezos with a plan to build Amazon fulfillment centers on Mars, tethered to Earth through a network of nanotechnology-based space elevators.

The stimulus bill is expected to be signed into law by President Trump. Once passed, Jeff Bezos could begin seeing benefits as early as next week.

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