BOSTON, MA – Joe Biden has reportedly tapped Senator Elizabeth Warren for Secretary of Janet Yellen, according to a spokesperson from the Office of the President-Elect.
The appointment comes as a surprise to some who expected Warren herself to be appointed Treasury Secretary. While that cabinet position that was offered to former chair of the Federal Reserve Janet Yellen, Warren will serve as Yellen’s secretary.
Warren admits that while she’s grateful for the opportunity, she feels that her experience and involvement in the last two presidential elections earned her a more substantial cabinet position.
“I played it safe in 2016 by simply refusing to endorse Bernie like many thought I would,” explained Warren. “In 2020, I literally jumped into the race to split the progressive vote. Then I made up that story about Bernie being sexist, and pretty much ensured a Biden win. After all that, you’d think I’d at least be offered Secretary of Education or State. Heck, I’d have been happy with Director of the Bureau of Indian Affairs.”
As secretary, Warren will be responsible for answering and forwarding calls, setting up meetings, and arranging travel for Yellen and her staffers.
“I’ll be honest, given my track record in the Senate and my work on the Consumer Financial Protection Bureau, I kind of expected to be tapped for Treasury,” said Warren. “It’s not like I wasn’t dropping major hints,” she added. “But I suppose just regular secretary will be all right. Hey, maybe I’ll learn enough from Janet to someday be appointed Treasury Secretary!”
The position only pays $40,000 annually, substantially less than the $174,000 annual paycheck enjoys as a senator, but comes with a generous benefits package including employer-sponsored health insurance, 401(k), two weeks of annual paid vacation, and a 30% discount at participating Planet Fitness locations.
According to the Office of the President-Elect’s HR manager Beth Rowland, the phone call to Warren was difficult to make.
“She was so excited when she answered and I said ‘Mrs. Warren, the President Elect would like to offer you the position of secretary,'” Rowland told BeetPress. “And she asked ‘Secretary of what?’, and I’m like, ‘…secretary to Janet Yellen.’ I could hear the heartbreak in her voice when she thanked me for calling.”
Contingent to her employment as Yellen’s secretary, Warren will have to pass a Microsoft Office knowledge exam and typing test proving that she can type 60 words-per-minute with 92% accuracy.