SAN FRANCISCO, CA – With the 2020 election and the presidency of Donald Trump squarely in the rearview mirror, the nation’s liberals have only one thought on their mind Sunday: their first brunch in years. Unfortunately, many have discovered that their favorite restaurants and bistros have closed permanently.
“As you can imagine, after nearly four years of the orange Cheeto being in office, I was dying for eggs Benedict and a Bloody Mary,” said Megan Hemmel, a bay-area interior designer. “So, you understand my disappointment when I called Chloe’s Cafe to book a brunch reservation for Diane, Jane, Emily and myself and find out they went out of business back in April. I loved that place; it was a tradition for us girls.”
Brunch, a portmanteau of breakfast and lunch, was a weekend tradition popular with liberals from the 1930’s until the January 2017 inauguration of Donald Trump. The late-morning meal generally features savory breakfast fare paired with an alcoholic beverage. With the 2016 defeat of democrat Hilary Clinton and Trump’s ascension to the presidency, liberals became too consumed with worry over the treatment of immigrants, women’s reproductive rights, and transgender rights to consume a crab meat omelette and a Bellini.
“After four years of wearing a pussy hat and posting unflattering memes of the baffoon-in-chief to Facebook, I was really excited to celebrate Biden’s win, and the end of having to care about all our nation’s problems with a Liège waffle, fresh strawberries with real whipped cream, and a mimosa at Cafe Boho on Sunday at around 12:30pm,” explained Bethany Vanderhoof. “Unfortunately – and I blame republicans for this – I can’t, because they’re closed forever.”
“Brunch was a big moneymaker for us,” said Todd Worchek, former front-of-house manager for the now defunct Revelry Bistro. “Unfortunately, when Trump got elected, business dropped off precipitously. Then COVID happened, and it was over for us.”
Experts are confident that brunch restaurants will rebound after Joe Biden’s inauguration, including food critic Bernard Haberle who told BeetPress “in times of crisis, liberals tend to seek comfort with loved ones at home. Now that worries over Coronavirus, the economy, Russian election interference, racism, access to healthcare, children in cages, and our standing on the world stage are over, we’ll see increased demand and a proliferation of kitschy new brunch joints throughout the land.”
“Trump used to say ‘make America great again,’ said Vanderhoof. “Well, I’ve got news for you Donny: Joe and Kamala will make brunch great again!”