WASHINGTON, DC – The beleaguered United States Postal Service has announced the introduction of bikini-clad post office workers and letter carriers in an effort to raise revenue, according to Postmaster General Louis DeJoy.
“The US Postal Service has a rich history of quickly and efficiently delivering letters and parcels to all Americans,” explained De Joy. “But the rise of online communication as well as competition from FedEx and UPS has forced us to think outside the box. We’re confident folks will embrace these new changes and become more frequent visitors to their local post offices.”
Something for women as well
According to the USPS, all customer service agents will be replaced with young, attractive females in bikinis. In an effort to appeal to women, male letter carriers will also adopt a sexy new look.
“Our goal is to bring new customers into the post office. Once there, we hope they’ll upgrade to premium services like registered and certified mail,” said DeJoy. “We hope patrons will stay a little longer, and maybe even buy some stamps.”
Reportedly, the new forever stamp will feature images of classic pin up girls as well as Sports Illustrated swimsuit models. Calendars will also be available featuring images of postal employees at work and at play.
While the postal service has not been seen as a particularly sexy industry, experts point to the success of businesses like Hooters and bikini coffee shops as proof the concept will work.
“Statistically, businesses offering some level of sex appeal see per-customer revenue increase by 40%”, said business analyst Ted Wilkens. “If there’s an effervescent young woman handling your package, you’re likely to stay longer and pay extra for value-added services.”
So far, the new business model is working. A pilot program at a Las Vegas-area post office has resulted in a 44% bump in in-store sales. Customers have expressed enthusiasm for the updates as well.
“I stopped by the post office on my way home from work,” said Dayton resident Thomas Bergeron. “Next thing I know, I’m down $80, and I’m sending postcards to all my friends and family.”
As of press time, BeetPress has confirmed that Amazon is considering deploying a fleet of Japanese sex doll inspired delivery robots in select markets.