Politics

Re-animated Strom Thurmond to speak at DNC Convention

Reanimated Strom Thurmond

MILWAUKEE, WI – The Democratic National Committee has confirmed that a reanimated Strom Thurmond will replace Congresswoman Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez to speak at the 2020 DNC Convention to be held at Wisconsin Center in Milwaukee on August 19th.

DNC Chairman Tom Perez admitted that it was an easy decision to replace Ocasio-Cortez with the former eight-term republican Senator, telling BeetPress “When we lead with our values, we win. The democratic party is a big-tent party, and we want to include as many republicans as we can in that tent, so it’s exciting to see folks like (former Ohio Governor) John Kasich and Senator Strom Thurmond joining us and motivating republican voters to jump the fence, so to speak.”

Thurmond’s reanimation will be only the second time the Democratic Party has used advances in science to reanimate a dead politician. Last fall, Democrats reanimated Hubert Humphrey in hopes of adding him to the roster of presidential primary candidates, but the rapid decay of Humphrey’s reanimated corpse forced Democrats to abandon that plan in favor of nominating former Vice President Joe Biden.

Democrats hope that science has advanced enough to allow enough time for Thurmond, who died in 2003 at age 100, to address the Party before he disintegrates.

While most democrats welcome the addition of Thurmond to the convention line-up, some have voiced skepticism including self-proclaimed progressive voter Sarah Bordeman, who said “I find it unfathomable that the DNC would replace AOC with Strom Thurmond, an anti-choice segregationist who’s not even alive. It’s clear the party wants to abandon progressive voters and move further to the right.”

Todd Pinkerton, a moderate democrat, sees things differently telling BeetPress “I understand this move might upset more liberal voters, but now isn’t the time to focus on things like healthcare and education. Our number one priority is to beat Trump, and we need republicans on our side if we’re going to win. We can think about improving people’s lives in four years when we’re not facing a republican challenger.”

According to CNN’s Chris Cillizza, the inclusion of Thurmond in the convention’s proceedings is a smart move, saying “Joe Biden and Strom Thurmond were good friends in the Senate, so much so that Biden gave the eulogy at his funeral. This just goes to show that bipartisanship is alive and well, and I think Strom Thurmond will excite younger voters, help bridge the gap between democrats and republicans, and give democrats the edge they need to defeat Trump in November.”

According to party insiders, the DNC is also planning to replace speakers Bernie Sanders, Rashida Tlaib, and Ilhan Omar with George W. Bush, Tucker Carlson, and a reanimated Joseph McCarthy.

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