Entertainment

Fred Armisen, Carrie Brownstein kidnapped by secret police

Carrie Brownstein and Fred Armisen

PORTLAND, OR – Reports are emerging that Portlandia stars Fred Armisen and Carrie Brownstein were apprehended by secret police officers and taken to an unknown location in an unmarked vehicle sometime Friday evening.

“We’re unaware of their whereabouts at this time, but it is our understanding that Fred and Carrie may have become separated from the rest of the crew and ended up in the wrong place at the wrong time,” said IFC Original Productions spokesperson James Dalton adding, “it’s possible they may have been dressed in their gutter punk or ecoterrorist costumes and mistaken for protesters. We really have no idea at this time.”

According to a witness, an unmarked black van approached two individuals that fit the description of Armisen and Brownstein on Friday evening at around 9:30pm. Several federal law enforcement officers, wearing camouflage but without any other visible insignia, quickly exited the vehicle, apprehended the two subjects, placed them in the rear cargo area of the vehicle, and drove off.

“I’m not sure what Fred and Carrie would have been doing out here in the protest,” said one protester who asked not to be named. “Maybe they were researching a role, or maybe heard the commotion and wanted to see what was going on. I don’t know, all I know is that they’re gone, and likely in a secret prison somewhere with hundreds of others who’ve been rounded up and taken away.”

Since President Trump designated the far-left political movement Antifa as a domestic terrorist organization, he has invoked the 2011 National Defense Authorization Act, signed by Barack Obama which legalized the detention of Americans suspected of being terrorists, to apprehend civilians suspected of invoking riots, civil disobedience, or destruction of property.

“Portland is the epicenter of Trump’s push to use his fascist gestapo in a show of force against American citizens exercising their first amendment rights,” said another protester. “If the folks that make Portlandia can be made to disappear, none of us are safe from his roving bands of secret police kidnapping people without cause.”

The news of Armisen and Brownstein’s disappearance comes just days after Guy Fieri was severely injured after being struck by a stray non-lethal impact round and tear gas during filming of an episode of Diners, Drive-Ins and Dives in Portland.

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