Politics

Hawkins wins nomination of person to be blamed if Biden loses

TAKOMA PARK, MD – The Green Party has announced that Howie Hawkins will officially become the presumptive nominee of the person who will be blamed if Joe Biden loses the 2020 presidential election.

“It is our honor to announce that, after a long and contentious nomination process, that Green Party founding member Howie Hawkins of New York will be the person generally blamed by the likes of Debra Messing, Neera Tanden, Bill Maher, Alyssa Milano, and liberals across Twitter and Facebook in the event Democratic candidate Joe Biden fails to increase voter turnout and loses to President Donald Trump in November,” read the statement in-part.

Hawkins joins the ranks of other Green Party leaders including Jill Stein, David Cobb, and Ralph Nader whose singular goal was apparently to work directly with Vladimir Putin to spoil the presidential election for the Democratic Party in favor of a reckless and dangerous Republican president, and not social and environmental justice.

“I’m so excited to cast my vote for Hawkins this year, not because the Green Party’s platform includes policies I care about like tuition-free college, single-payer healthcare, and the Green New Deal,” said Madison, WI voter Daniel St. James, “but because I’m secretly a Russian asset Hell-bent on upending American democracy and directly contributing to the collapse of America that will inevitably come as a result of Trump’s reelection.”

Although unlikely to win the presidency, the Green Party hopes to gain 5% of the popular vote in November’s election, a benchmark that would open the party up to federal funding, increase ballot access, and qualify the Green Party to be recognized as official spoilers to the actual political parties a majority of Americans have become disillusioned with.

“I’m deeply concerned with the environment, criminal justice reform, and rights of Palestinians, so I’m going to do everything in my power to be constantly berated online by liberals who spent exactly zero hours and zero minutes phone-banking or canvassing for Joe Biden,” said voter Rebecca Stone of Durham, NH, adding “and that means actually voting, unlike 100 million others who are too disillusioned with the two corporate parties to even bother.”

In related news, the Libertarian Party has announced that Jo Jorgensen has won the nomination to be the person who will in no way be blamed by Republicans nor praised by Democrats if Trump loses in November.

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