WASHINGTON, DC – As the November general election approaches, the Democratic Party has announced that they are adopting a pro-gun, anti-abortion platform in hopes of wooing republican voters.
“When we lead with our values, we win,” explained DNC Chair Tom Perez, adding “but sometimes we have to compromise our values in order to win, which is why I’m excited to announce that the Democratic Party is abandoning our long-held, but polarizing positions regarding abortion and gun control.”
The announcement comes hours after Progressive Charles Booker, who was outspent by his opponent 40:1, fell short of right-of-center Democrat Amy McGrath by two percentage points in Kentucky’s senate primary race. Democratic party insiders point to this as clear evidence that the party must shift to the right in order to win.
“The GOP should be scared about [Senate Majority Leader Mitch] McConnell’s prospects in November,” said Center for American Progress President Neera Tanden. “Republicans now have two choices come November, but if one of those choices doesn’t fully support a constitutional amendment banning abortion, they’re probably going to choose McConnell, so it’s vital that the Democrats even the playing field.”
Among other platform positions that the Democratic Party has adopted is fully repealing the Affordable Care Act, and reinstating the Defense of Marriage Act.
“We’re already on board with locking children in cages, deregulating Wall Street, and expanding foreign intervention, we’ve been doing those things for years. If we want to make gains in November, possibly take back the White House and the Senate, it’s vital that the Democratic Party moves to the right on some of these key issues,” said Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi.
While most liberals are weary of President Trump’s erratic and chaotic tenure in office, many look back fondly at the George W. Bush era, or the time Barack Obama implemented the Heritage Foundation’s healthcare plan, increased corporate power, ramped up deportations, and expanded America’s military involvement across the Middle East.
“When you look at suburban and rural voters in Pennsylvania, Ohio, Wisconsin, you’ll find that most will vote for the democrat if the democrat fully supports the Republican Party platform,” said Senate Minority Leader Chuck Schumer. “These people don’t want a Green New Deal or Medicare. They want to overturn Roe v. Wade, protect traditional marriage, and have unlimited access to guns, and we’re ready to welcome them with open arms.”
As of press time, BeetPress has confirmed that the Democratic Party’s policy of supporting limitless defense spending remains the same.