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Clinton publishes new book extending additional blame for 2016 loss

CHAPPAQUA, NY – Three years after the release of her 2017 memoir What Happened, former presidential candidate Hillary Clinton has penned a new memoir further outlining the reasons behind her 2016 presidential election loss to republican Donald Trump.

In her 2017 memoir, Clinton pointed to individuals such as FBI director James Comey, Vladimir Putin, Mitch McConnell, Julian Assange, Jill Stein, and Bernie Sanders and his supporters as reasons why she lost the presidency, as well as other factors such as white resentment, the media as a whole, and sexism.

Her new book, Thanks for Nothing, published by Simon & Schuster and scheduled for release on July 12, 2020, will further identify the individuals who contributed to her electoral loss, opening with the passage “If it’s not clear to everyone in the whole wide world, I should be President, but 100 million little forces conspired to ruin it for me and now I’d like the world to know that I will never get over it. I will not step into the shadows, I will never let you forget this. I will haunt you all until I’m six feet underground.”

The first chapter, ‘Thanks for Nothing, Bernie Sanders,’ re-litigates the ineffectiveness of Sanders’s thirty-nine campaign events held on Clinton’s behalf prior to the election and suggests that the Vermont senator should have done more to persuade his supporters to vote for Clinton:

Bernie did what, a handful of campaign stops for me? Big deal. I’m no brain surgeon, but I’m pretty sure that Bernie was capable of two or three events a day, and by that metric, over the course of three months between the convention and election day, he could have held 270 campaign events for me. Two-hundred-seventy… think about it. That’s a magic number.

Among others who Clinton blames for her loss is her running mate Tim Kaine, whom she describes as ‘dull as dishwater,’ Carver High School civics teacher John Talbott, whom she faulted for not adequately conveying the importance of voting to his students in the years leading up to the election, and MSNBC’s Rachel Maddow, claiming in Chapter 4, ‘Thanks for Nothing, Rachel Maddow’:

Night after night, Maddow smugly held up electoral maps showing me winning states like Georgia, Arizona, and even Kansas, hosting an endless parade of yes-men who assured her viewing audience that I had a 100% chance of winning. What a way to underplay the urgency of an election!

In addition to public figures in politics and the media, Clinton also directly calls out the nearly 100 million voting-age Americans who neglected to vote in the chapter ‘Thanks for Nothing, America’:

To Jeffery Small, a Detroit-based gamer who voted for Barack Obama in 2012 but failed to even Pokémon-Go to the polls in 2016: thanks for nothing! To Susanne Wellstone, the homemaker from Madison who couldn’t line up a babysitter so she could go vote for me: thanks for nothing! To Leonard Kipps, the Eugene-based grocery store clerk who mailed in his ballot one day past the deadline: thanks for nothing!

Other factors that Clinton blames for her November 8, 2016 loss are rainy weather conditions in Michigan, Ohio, and Indiana on election day, Saturday Night Live, white people, black people, hispanics, labor unions, colleges and universities, YouTube, heavy traffic, video games, graphic novels, the Koch Brothers, advertising agencies, The Apprentice, the first amendment, her hair stylist, and astrology.

“What’s clear from this book is that Clinton still holds a grudge,” said New York Time book critic Janet Maslin, adding “but in calling out literally every individual and entity that did not 100-percent support her historic campaign, we get a glimpse of a uniquely vulnerable, pissed off, and uncensored Hillary. It’s easy to see that if she had presented herself in that way in 2016, it’s likely we’d now be calling her Madame President.”

As of press time, BeetPress has confirmed that Clinton has begun writing a followup memoir titled Fuck You, America.

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