Gov Tim Walz reminds protestors to maintain safe social distance while setting police precincts ablaze

MINNEAPOLIS, MN – Minnesota Governor Tim Walz has released a public statement reminding protesters to maintain a safe social distance while firebombing police stations.

“While I appreciate protestors voicing their concerns over the recent events that took place concerning Mr. George Floyd and one of our brave men in blue, I do encourage everyone to wear a face mask and maintain a distance of at least six feet while throwing Molotov cocktails into Auto Zone,” the statement read in part.

As chaos has erupted in New York, Denver, Atlanta, Washington DC, Louisville, Los Angeles, Kansas City and elsewhere in response to the death of George Floyd, an unarmed black man, at the hands of white Minneapolis police officers, local and state leaders are reminding protesters and rioters that Covid-19 is still very much a concern, and everyone needs to do their part to flatten the curve.

“I understand everyone is very passionate about #BlackLivesMatter,” said Atlanta mayor Keisha Lance Bottoms in a tweet, adding “but lets not forget to socially distance and wash your hands for at least 30 seconds after coming into contact with tear gas, rubber bullets, or the business end of a policeman’s baton.”

This statement was echoed by Illinois governor J. B. Pritzker who said “We’re encouraging our police and National Guardsmen to wear rubber gloves while violently throwing protesters to the ground and beating them with nightsticks before zip-tying their hands and tear-gassing them, and we encourage demonstrators to do the same as they spray paint ‘die pig’ on police cruisers. And if you run out of spray paint, please do the responsible thing and order more online. Your health and safety is important.”

In the interest of everyone’s safety, CNN executives have called for ‘social distance’ floor decals to be affixed outside of their Atlanta headquarters to encourage protesters to maintain a safe social distance while hurling bricks through their windows.

“Let’s use some common sense and basic protective measures in these unprecedented times,” said Walz. “While pillaging Target, please observe the one-way aisles policy, sanitize the cash register after smashing it open, and limit yourselves to just 30 looters in store at a time. Just remember, we’re all in this together.”

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