culture

Move over Covid-19, murder hornets to become biggest story of 2020

SEATTLE, WA – An invasive species of giant hornet Vespa mandarinia, known colloquially as the murder hornet, is expected to become the biggest news story of 2020, according to experts.

“When you think in terms of which event will have the most lasting impact on humanity in 2020, people are going look back and point to the murder hornet, no doubt about it,” said Susan Cobey, a bee breeder at the Washington State University’s department of entomology.

The two-inch long, highly venomous hornets with an excruciatingly painful sting are native to Asia, but have recently found their way to the United States.

The initial invasion has already begun, with bee keepers seeing their hives decimated by the murder hornets.

“They come into the hive and basically decapitate all of the honey bees with their giant quarter-inch mandibles,” explains Cobey.

While Americans have been obeying home quarantine orders, murder hornet have been fanning out across the American landscape unencumbered by human intervention, moving from hive to hive and wreaking havoc on native bee populations.

“What we’re going to start to see is that by mid-summer, a large percentage of the honey bee population will be wiped out,” said Cobey. “This will have a devastating effect on the American agriculture industry. We’ll first start seeing feed scarcity for livestock. Once this happens, the murder hornets will set their sights on attacking weakened cows, chickens, and pigs, gaining strength and leading to a collapse of the meat industry.”

Cobey warns that from there, food shortages will begin to impact humans, with a 75% reduction in the availability of grains, produce, and animal products.

“Once grocery store shelves start becoming increasingly more empty, humans will begin rationing food, lowering their daily caloric intake to a point where they will themselves become weakened enough to become prey for the murder hornets,” said Cobey.

The murder hornet population will explode late August and will be at their most active in late summer and early fall.

“They’ll start by striking the most vulnerable, inflicting hundreds of stings and causing death from anaphylactic shock, cardiac arrest, or multiple organ failure, before feasting on the corpses of the dead and moving on to stronger populations. By this time, they’ll have become immune to conventional pesticides, and come the end of November, Americans will have forgotten about the Covid-19 pandemic or the presidential election,” Cobey cautions.

According to experts, the increasingly voracious and desperate murder hornets will move from block to block, city to city wiping out everyone in their path, before retreating into underground hives where they will remain dormant until the American population recovers in 2037, when they’ll emerge once again to begin a new round of carnage.

“By years end, you’ll wish you had succumbed to Covid-19 in April,” said Cobey.

As of press time, BeetPress has confirmed that the murder hornet also spreads Coronavirus.

Buy Me A Coffee

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s