Business

Nation’s billionaires win democratic primary

WASHINGTON, DC – In a heated primary race that included a total of 29 presidential hopefuls, the democratic primary has concluded with a decisive victory for the nation’s billionaires on Wednesday.

“For too long, we’ve been maligned and vilified by presidential candidates campaigning on issues of wealth inequality, raising our taxes, and offering the public things like universal healthcare and living wages, but we’re delighted that we have prevailed in this fight,” said billionaire Jim Simons, founder of Renaissance Technologies, an esteemed quantitative trading hedge fund firm that manages $68 billion.

Although the general election isn’t until November, billionaires are breathing a sigh of relief, comforted in the knowledge that no matter who wins the presidency, their wealth will remain unchallenged and they’ll be able to grow their vast fortunes with favorable tax policies and preferential treatment by the government for at least four more years.

“There were a few moments through out the primary season where it felt like our extreme wealth and status was being threatened,” said billionaire Brian Roberts, CEO of Comcast. “Luckily, we control most of the media that shapes public opinion, so we were able to snuff out any populist uprisings before they really got out of hand.”

Controlling more than $3 trillion in wealth, more than 12-times the combined wealth of the bottom 50% of Americans, the nation’s billionaires were successful in convincing the American public that programs like tuition-free public college, paid sick leave, student debt forgiveness, and medicare-for-all were unattainable pipe dreams that have no place in America’s diminishing democracy.

“When we do well, the American people do well,” said Walmart heir Jim Walton. “I personally provide employment and meager pay to over 2 million mouth breathers. Trust me, I could make three phone calls and automate 75% their jobs out of existence, but I don’t, because I’m a nice person. That’s how it works, so I’m glad to see that the American voters made the right choice.”

“It also helps that we control both political parties,” added Walton.

Both candidates vying for the presidency have assured the nation’s billionaires, from hedge fund managers to health insurance executives to weapons system CEOs to technology moguls that nothing will fundamentally change, and they’ll be free to continue hoarding vast amounts of wealth well into the foreseeable future.

As of press time, the nation’s multi-millionaires reported that they too felt victorious, and thanked the American voter for hearing their voices loud and clear.

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