Politics

Biden escapes home confinement, violates personal space at local Food Lion

WILMINGTON, DE – Former vice president and presidential candidate Joe Biden reportedly escaped from home confinement on Wednesday, and was discovered violating personal space at a local Food Lion supermarket, according to sources.

“I put Joe down for his nap around 2 o’clock, and when I went to check on him at 3, he wasn’t there,” reported Biden’s wife Jill. “I guess I foolishly left the sliding door out back unlocked again, and Joe must’ve snuck out.”

The 77-year old former senator has reportedly become increasingly stir-crazy while being mandated to stay at home, in part due to COVID-19, and in part for his own wellbeing.

“We’ve been letting him spend an hour each morning in the back yard under the supervision of myself or our housekeeper Juanita, mainly to make sure he doesn’t wander off or slip and fall into the pool,” Jill explained. “Joe’s used to getting out of the house to attend fundraisers or other campaign events, and it’s been a challenge convincing him that he needs to stay home and avoid catching the coronavirus. For someone his age, that could be really dangerous.”

Security camera captured an unaccompanied Biden entering a Wilmington Food Lion grocery store at 2:47pm.

“Due to this coronavirus, I’ve been extremely careful to keep a safe distance between me and other shoppers when I go to the store,” said shopper Denise Weathers. “I remember I was picking out some sun-dried tomatoes, and I sensed someone was getting close to me from behind. I kind of pushed my cart forward to give us some space, and then he nudged up from behind, put his hand on my waist, and whispered something like ‘don’t forget to vote for Joe 30030.’ It was pretty uncomfortable.”

According to the security camera footage, Biden spent six minutes in the produce aisle, physically handling no less than 30 oranges and several Fuji apples, at times coughing into his hand before selecting one piece of fruit. He then approached several elderly people, at one point grabbing a man by the shoulder and touching his forehead against the man’s head as the spoke to him. He then made his way to the ice-cream case and to the checkout line.

“People need to realize that everyone needs to take precautions and follow certain basic guidelines,” said Food Lion assistant store manager Ted Pacheco. “I had to throw away over $200 worth of product because of Biden’s reckless behavior.”

Another shopper, 27 year old Josh Cummings, reported that Biden walked right up to him and got about six inches from his face. “He looked me straight in the eyes and quietly said ‘if you like your health insurance, you can keep it’,” said Cummings. “I just lost my job, I don’t even have health insurance now. I can’t afford to have creepy old people exposing me to Covid like that.”

Even at checkout, Biden ignored the ‘stand here’ stickers affixed to the floor to remind patrons to keep six feet of space between shoppers, reportedly speaking with a visibly uncomfortable young mother in line ahead of him while stroking the hair of her four year old daughter.

After checking out, Biden was met by Wilmington Police Department officer Jim Hastings, who happened to be entering the grocery store.

“I saw Joe Biden, and thought, ‘here we go again,'” said Hastings, in reference to a March 24th incident where Biden was reported missing from his makeshift basement studio shortly before he was scheduled to do a live interview with CNN’s Jake Tapper. “We’re more concerned about his health and safety than him harming anyone else, so I offered him a free ride home.”

Upon returning home, Biden was reprimanded by Jill.

“I hope you enjoyed your little outing because tonight, there’s no desert for you,” admonished Jill. “And you can kiss TV time and your virtual fundraiser with [Wall Street Executive] Jay Snyder goodbye too!”

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