Politics

Senate passes stimulus package to give each family $1200 per elderly loved one they let die of Covid-19

WASHINGTON, DC – An an effort to rejuvenate the struggling American economy and jump start the financial markets, the United States Senate has passed a $2 trillion stimulus package that includes a $1200 payout to every family who lets an elderly loved one succumb to Covid-19.

“What Americans need now is financial help,” said Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell, adding “but what our healthcare system needs is the assurance from Congress that they’re not going to be overwhelmed by new Coronavirus cases. This is why we’ve put together bipartisan legislation that achieves both goals.”

According to health experts, individuals over 70 and those with pre-existing medical conditions are most susceptible to COVID-19 requiring hospitalization. They’re also the least productive members of society and consume vast financial resources in the form of social security and medicare expenditures.

The legislation, passed by the Senate in a historic 96-0 vote, allocates funds to give $1200 to the next of kin of each individual over 70 years of age who foregoes medical treatment and dies of coronavirus, payable 6 – 8 weeks after death, as well as $1.9 trillion in direct payments to Fortune 500 companies.

“What we’re doing is putting money directly in the pockets of hardworking Americans who need relief now,” said Senate Minority Leader Chuck Schumer. “We’re going to stimulate our economy and bolster the stock market by allowing healthy people to go back to work and start spending again, and letting grandma and grandpa die.”

President Donald Trump is expected to sign the legislation early next week.

“We’re going to re-open America,” said the President. “Our factories will go back to producing the highest quality goods, made in America. Our workers, our best people, will be back to work. Our stocks, our stocks will soar again. Thirty thousand, forty thousand, our markets will rise. And a few million old people will die, but by doing so, they’re making America great again.”

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