Stocks rally on suggestion of letting millions of Americans die of Coronavirus

NEW YORK, NY – The Dow Jones Industrial Average surged over 2,000 points on Tuesday after prominent republicans floated the idea of ending stay-at-home orders and returning to normal economic activity, a move experts predict will overwhelm the American healthcare system and directly lead to the deaths of over 8 million individuals.

As COVID-19 spreads throughout the nation, governors and local leaders have mandated Americans stay home and ordered the temporary closure of bars, restaurants, theaters, malls, and social gathering spots in an effort to ‘flatten the curve,’ a method of slowing the increase of infection to a level where healthcare providers will be able to effectively treat patients.

The measures taken to protect Americans, as well as global economic disruptions, have spelled doom for the American financial sector, which saw markets plunge precipitously over the last month.

Fearing a long-term collapse of the economy, markets bounced back today as President Donald Trump called for the nation to re-open by April 12th, a timeframe health experts predict will coincide with the peak infection rate of COVID-19 in the United States.

Texas Lieutenant Governor Dan Patrick is on board with Trump’s plan to allow millions of Americans to die in an effort to save the economy, telling Fox News’ Tucker Carlson “You know Tucker, no one reached out to me and said, ‘As a senior citizen, are you willing to take a chance on your survival, in exchange for keeping the America that all America loves for your children and grandchildren? And if that’s the exchange, I’m all in.”

Conservative and right-to-life advocate Jim Turner praised Trump’s announcement, telling BeetPress “I understand that some people are going to get sick and die, but there’s no point in crashing the economy just to save the lives of 2.5 percent people who are mostly already old and don’t contribute to the economy. Let’s get America back in business.”

According to health experts, COVID-19 has a mortality rate of about 1% in the general population, but that number increases drastically for individuals with pre-existing health conditions and the elderly, reaching 15% of those over 80 years old.

Although an explosion of COVID-19-related hospitalizations will rapidly consume resources and lead to an exponential increase in fatalities from both COVID-19 and non-COVID-19 illness and injuries, market analysts are optimistic that a return to normalcy will lead to a faster economic recovery.

“Once the millions of dead are buried in massive open-pit graves, we’ll look back and say we did the right thing, and that the hedge-fund managers and CEOs who do survive will once again reap the rewards of a booming economy,” said Fox News’ Andrew O’Reilly.

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