BOSTON, MA – As daily life in the United States grinds to a halt amid the COVID-19 pandemic, voters are looking to presidential candidate Vermin Supreme for leadership and to get a sense of how he may govern should he win the November 3rd presidential election against incumbent republican Donald Trump.
“We’re all getting nervous,” said Donna Lavasseur, a Roxbury-area physician’s assistant. “As the epidemic spreads, we want to be assured that we’ll have the medical supplies, respirators, and personal protection equipment necessary to handle the pandemic, which is why I’m paying close attention to what Mr. Supreme is proposing. I want to know he has a handle on the situation and the leadership chops necessary to get us through this mess.”
Supreme, who announced his candidacy on June 26, 2019, has listed zombie preparedness and a pony-based economy as key platforms of his campaign.
“If Vermin Supreme has the mechanisms in place to distribute ponies to every American, there’s no doubt he’ll know what to do to increase the supply of much-needed face masks, hospital gowns, and latex gloves that are currently in such short supply,” said Lavasseur.
For Worcester resident Robert McKenzie, seeing how a candidate handles a crisis will influence his voting decision.
“While I understand that zombie preparedness can easily be adapted to combat this coronavirus apocalypse, I want to be sure that Vermin has the skills necessary to gain the bipartisan support required to implement those plans,” McKenzie told BeetPress, adding “I’m paying close attention to how his style differs from the President’s, and I’ll make my choice accordingly.”
Although some voters are concerned about Supreme’s eccentricities, many find that his platform positions, such mandatory toothbrushing laws, make a lot of sense when put in context of the COVID-19 pandemic.
“The need for personal hygiene has really come into focus, and Vermin has the plans to address these issues,” commented infectious disease expert Dr. Mark Crislip. “Proper oral hygiene is a key factor in overall health. Together with hand washing and other sanitary practices, these policies will help mitigate the spread of Coronavirus and increase the survival rate of those who do become infected.”
Facing economic uncertainty, voters want reassurance from candidates that their immediate needs will be met, including dance instructor Sarah Fowler.
“Coronavirus has basically closed my studio. Without income, I’m forced to make some difficult decisions. Do I pay rent or do I buy groceries?” asked Fowler. “I know Vermin Supreme is fighting to provide immediate and direct relief to everyday people, so I’m going to be paying close attention to see what he does over the next few weeks. For many, he may be our only hope.”
As of press time, a spokesperson from Vermin Supreme’s campaign has confirmed that, if elected, Supreme will invest up to $100 billion in new funding for time-travel research.