WASHINGTON, DC – In the wake of the COVID-19 epidemic, experts have issued a statement imploring Americans to avoid St Patrick’s Day social gatherings on Tuesday and to get drunk and vomit at home to avoid further spread of the disease.
“While we advise social distancing and an extra layer of precaution, there’s no reason why people shouldn’t be allowed to celebrate their Irish heritage by getting shit-house drunk at home,” read the statement prepared by director of the National Institute of Allergy and Infectious Diseases, Dr. Anthony S. Fauci. “Our recommendation is to stay home, put on some festive green clothing, and break into that stockpile of Jameson Whiskey and get loaded without going out.”
Local and state governments have been stepping up efforts recently to stem the spread of the coronavirus by temporarily prohibiting large gatherings, closing schools, restaurants, and public institutions, and instituting travel restrictions.
“While I understand that for many, going out to McSorley’s Old Ale House and getting hammered to the point of blackout is an annual St. Paddy’s tradition for many New Yorkers, this year people are just going to have to alter their plans in an effort to keep everyone safe,” said New York Mayor Bill de Blasio. “No one is stopping you from downing five pints of green beer and three Irish Car Bombs, passing out, and waking up in a pool of your own vomit in the comfort of your own home. I encourage people to make the most of the situation and have a good time, but let’s be smart about it.”
According to Fauci, those who forego the Institute’s recommendation and engage in St. Patrick’s Day festivities in a social setting should avoid kissing anyone wearing a kiss me, I’m Irish shirt and maintain a minimum three-foot social distance while puking their guts out.
While admitting that Americans should allow themselves the opportunity to overdo it a bit on Tuesday in their homes, experts from the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention stress that moderation is key to getting though the pandemic.
“Given the ever-evolving situation surrounding the Coronavirus, it’s impossible to predict when we’ll be clear of the outbreak,” said CDC director Robert Redfield. “With Cinco de Mayo just a few weeks away, I caution everyone to avoid getting into their stash of Pacifico and El Jimador tequila early. Remember, being prepared is your best weapon in the fight against the virus.”
As of press time, BeetPress has learned that given the sharp decline in the stock market and uncertainty about the global economic outlook, most Americans have already self-quarantined and begun their St. Patrick’s Day celebrations as of late afternoon Monday.