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Elizabeth Warren discovers COVID-19 vaccine, refuses to license due to emojis

BOSTON, MA – In the weeks following her withdrawal from the democratic presidential primaries, Massachusetts senator Elizabeth Warren has been secretly working on discovering a vaccine for the Novel Coronavirus Disease, or COVID-19, in the garage of her Cambridge, MA home, but due to the perceived behavior of people on Twitter, she is refusing to license the vaccine to drug manufacturers.

“Not many people know that I have a secret passion for virology and medical research which I’ve kind of turned into a little hobby,” Elizabeth Warren told MSNBC’s Rachel Maddow during an interview on Thursday. “I was tinkering with the virus and low and behold, I discovered that I created a vaccine for Coronavirus, and you better believe I patented that bad boy.”

The virus, which originated in Wuhan, China, has been spreading globally and has so far infected 145,000 individuals resulting in over 5,000 deaths. Experts fear that as many as 150 million Americans will become infected over the next year and a half resulting in up to a million deaths. Even in its early stages, fears of the virus have led to global panic, the cancelation of sports seasons and Broadway shows, the closure of Disneyland, disrupted global travel, shuttered schools and gathering spots, and damaged the US economy.

“We’re at the tip of the iceberg, and things are going to get exponentially worse before they get better,” said neurosurgeon and medical reporter Sanjay Gupta. “It’s imperative that the coronavirus vaccine be made available as soon as possible before this turns into another Spanish Flu.”

The 1918 – 1920 Spanish Flu pandemic affected over a quarter of the world’s population and caused upward of 50 million deaths.

Pharmaceutical companies Aventis Pasteur, GlaxoSmithKline, Merck, and Wyeth have all reached out to Warren to obtain the rights to produce the coronavirus vaccine, but the senator has thus far refused.

“You know, I’m sitting here holding the key that could save thousands of lives and rescue the US economy, but some folks online have used certain emojis towards me, and that affects me deeply,” said Warren. “People need to realize that they can’t engage in this kind of behavior online and then come begging for me to save their life.”

Warren, who withheld the release of her Zika virus vaccine in 2016, also admits that while she shares many of the same long term goals such as a return a normal American way of life and not dying from coronavirus as people online, she’s going to hold off licensing the vaccine for now. “I could do this one thing and improve the lives of millions, but let’s see how things play out,” said Warren. “Maybe once this whole pandemic blows over, I’ll think about making the vaccine available, but for now, I’m just going to sit on the sidelines and watch the world burn.”

As of press time, BeetPress has confirmed that Elizabeth Warren’s planned appearances on Ellen, the Wendy Williams Show, and the Tonight Show, where she planned to talk about online etiquette, selfies, and the need for big, structural change to address the coronavirus epidemic, have been canceled due to the coronavirus risk.

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