Bloomberg vows to spend $2 billion to re-elect Trump

NEW YORK, NY – As the race to determine who will be the 2020 democratic party nominee intensifies, former democrat, republican, independent and democrat again Mike Bloomberg has vowed to spend upwards of $2 billion of his own funds to secure the democratic nomination to re-elect president Donald Trump.

The 78-year old former New York City mayor was a late entrant into the race, making his campaign announcement just before Thanksgiving, but with a net worth of over $60 billion, Bloomberg has virtually limitless resources at his disposal to overcome the remaining democrats and re-elect Trump.

“I’m prepared to spend up to $2 billion of my own money to ensure that the democrats are defeated before heading into the DNC convention in July,” said Bloomberg, adding “once I’m the nominee, it will be smooth sailing heading into November where given my record of overt racism, sexism, and transphobia, I will surely lose to Trump.”

Bloomberg has stated that the insurgent campaigns of Vermont senator Bernie Sanders and Massachusetts Senator Elizabeth Warren were the main motivational factors compelling him to enter the race.

Warren has proposed a wealth tax to fund social programs such as free childcare and student loan forgiveness, while Sanders has introduced a platform to include Medicare for All and free college tuition – all programs that will come at the expense of Bloomberg associates in the banking and health insurance industries.

“I stand to lose a lot of money if Bernie Sanders becomes president, and the way things are looking, he might actually be able to pull it off,” Bloomberg told BeetPress. “I’m not a big fan of Donald Trump, but I’m willing to do whatever it takes – even if it means spoiling the presidential election – to protect my assets as well as those of my good friends Jeff Bezos, Lloyd Blankfein, Jamie Dimon, and the cast of Shark Tank.”

When asked where he intends to spend such grand sums of money to secure the nomination, Bloomberg laid out a multi-part plan. “First, I’ll spend a billion or so in ads, use my connections in the media industry to manufacture consent for my candidacy, make generous contributions to charities supported by prominent figures in the entertainment industry to garner their endorsements, and then simply bribe voters and elected officials. I’m not opposed raining some cash on an impoverished southern black church or two either. They’ll get new choir costumes or whatever, and I’ll get their votes in the primary. And don’t forget, if you say nice things about me on Twitter or Facebook, there’s $150 in it for you.”

As of press time, Bloomberg was quietly contemplating whether it might just be easier to quit the race and make a $2 billion contribution directly to Trump’s Great America Super PAC.

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