Politics

Biden’s final message before Iowa: “seriously, don’t vote for me”

DES MOINES, IA – In the final weekend before the Iowa Caucus on Monday, former vice president Joe Biden is making an impassioned plea to voters – “for the love of God, please don’t vote for me.”

At a campaign stop in Des Moines, the presidential candidate spoke frankly to his supporters. “Look guys, I seriously hope you’ll reconsider your support for me. I just want to retire in peace. I don’t want to be president,” explained Biden. “I’ve had a long career, I just want to relax on Rohoboth Beach and never think about politics again.”

Among the reasons cited for his desire to lose the Iowa Caucus and the primary race are his declining mental faculties, his desire to spend more time with his grandchildren, and the fact that he would be absolutely destroyed by Donald Trump in the general election, thus irreversibly tarnishing his legacy.

“Don’t vote for me,” Biden continued. “I don’t even have a platform, and there are a lot of decent people running with actual ideas. Hell, vote for Bernie if you want to, it really makes no difference to me.”

As the crowd of approximately 75 mostly elderly supporters looked on, Biden further made the case as to why they should consider another candidate. “I’m a mess, man. I used to enjoy talking to voters. Now you guys just annoy me and I don’t want to hear your concerns. I really just don’t care anymore.”

According to sources inside the campaign, Biden has also expressed frustration that his polling has remained consistently high. “Joe has been actively trying to sabotage his campaign since last summer, but nothing’s sticking,” said Biden campaign manager Greg Schultz. “We expected to reach the point where he could bow out gracefully during the December media lull, but now I guess it’s going to be up to the voters. I hope they make the right decision because Joe needs some rest.”

Biden concluded the event by stating clearly and articulately “seriously, don’t vote for me. Now, who wants ice cream?”

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