Business

Michael Bloomberg Feared Dead in Cash Avalanche

NEW YORK, NY – Former New York mayor and democratic presidential candidate Michael Bloomberg is feared dead after becoming trapped under a cash avalanche on Friday.

“We responded to a call around 2pm that several large stacks of money gave way piling on top of a male victim. We arrived to find the victim, Michael Bloomberg, trapped under about 15 feet of cash and immediately began a rescue operation,” said Darrick Stone, a spokesman for FDNY.

According to sources, Bloomberg entered the cash vault of his Upper West Side townhouse at around 1:25pm. Shortly thereafter, his domestic staff heard a loud rumbling and rushed to his aid. Unable to reach the former mayor, a call was made to 911 at 1:46pm and rescue units arrived shortly thereafter.

“The action one takes in the first few minutes of an avalanche are key to survival,” explained survival expert Rory Powell. “The victim will need to create a pocket to give him enough air to survive until he can be reached by rescuers. Let’s hope that Mr. Bloomberg was able to remember the cash avalanche survival training he received as part of his Harvard MBA program.”

Friday’s incident is reminiscent of similar money-related tragedies that have recently occurred including that of David Koch who died after slipping and falling into an olympic sized pool full of money at his Omaha home, and Jeffrey Epstein who was discovered dead in a New York prison cell with noose made of woven $100 bills around his neck.

As the rescue operation continued into the evening, hope began to fade of Bloomberg being rescued alive. “We’ve removed over $350 million of cash, and have yet to reach the victim,” said one rescuer. “Experience tells me this won’t end well, as there’s estimated to be around $20 billion still on top of him, but we’re determined to continue to dig, as long as there’s a glimmer of hope.”

As of press time, rescuers have called off the rescue operation and will commence the recovery operation of Bloomberg’s body at 7am tomorrow.

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