NEW YORK, NY – Billionaire industrialist, philanthropist, and bicyclist H. E. Pennypacker has vowed to destroy the presidential candidacy of Senator Bernie Sanders by sneaking in an $18 donation while the candidate isn’t looking.
“I realize that I’m not going to convince Bernie Sanders to accompany me on a tour of my lucrative silver mine in Peru, or attend a peculiar fundraiser in a wine cave with my associates Art Vandelay, Mr. Varnson, Michael Bloomberg, and Dr. Martin Van Nostrand,” explained Pennypacker, who continued “but if I can just sneak in a small $18 donation by logging into berniesanders.com slash donate, I’ll be able to singlehandedly disrupt his entire grassroots fundraising effort.”
Sanders is notable for being the only democratic candidate not to have received campaign contributions from billionaire donors, a fact he frequently references as proof that he’s uncorrupted. Pennypacker hopes that by making a donation, he can publicize that fact and sabotage any chance Sanders may have to secure the nomination.
“The fact that Bernie hasn’t taken any billionaire donations is proof that he’s willing to fight for the working class, and won’t give in to the pressures of the oligarchy,” said Sanders supporter Peter Daou, adding “but if I were to learn that he accepted even a cent from someone as unscrupulous as H. E. Pennypacker, I would jump ship so fast and take my 300,000 Twitter followers with me.”
“It is in my highest interest to ensure that a candidate sympathetic to my needs as a wealthy roller-coaster magnate be elected President, and that person can not be Bernie Sanders,” said Pennypacker. “I can give $1.5 million, or what I call after-shave money, to Buttigieg without thinking twice, but that dastardly Bernie is standing in the way of a Pete presidency, and I won’t stand for it!”
As of press time, Pennypacker’s $18 donation has reportedly been detected by the Sanders Campaign’s B.S. Detector and promptly returned.