Bloomberg Buys White House

WASHINGTON, DC – Former New York City Mayor Michael Bloomberg has reportedly purchased a new Washington, DC home, according to sources.

The 55,000 square foot, 16 bedroom and 35 bathroom neoclassical mansion located at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue was purchased from the National Park Service for an undisclosed sum, but Zillow lists the residence at $425,064,437.

“Although it wasn’t listed for sale, Mr. Bloomberg approached us last month about buying the home,” said David Vela, acting Director of the National Park Service. “When we sat down to do the math, he brought up a lot of good points about how the maintenance and repair costs of the 220 year old home would exceed the benefits of continued ownership, and he made us a deal we couldn’t refuse. Plus, we’ve received a lot of complaints about the current resident, and really, who wants to be a landlord?”

Although he now owns the home, Bloomberg is unable to move in immediately. The current resident signed a lease that expires in 2021, but has publicly stated that he plans to remain on the property after that time.

Rudy Giuliani, a lawyer representing the current tenant, told BeetPress that his client intends to take legal action against Bloomberg if he attempts to remove him from the property, saying “when my client signed the lease in 2017, it clearly said on the contract there’d be an option to extend another four years through January 2025, no ifs, ands, or buts. We’ll exercise every legal recourse to ensure that contract is honored.”

While he faces an uphill legal challenge, Bloomberg, with a net worth of over $50 Billion, has unlimited resources at his disposal to ensure that the moving trucks will arrive on January 20, 2021.

“I’ve had my eye on that house for months,” said Bloomberg, adding “and I’ll spend whatever it takes to ensure I’m able to live in that home. I’m being nice by honoring the original lease. If I really wanted to be a bastard, I could find some loophole or justification evict the current tenant immediately.”

When asked what his long-term plans are for the residence, Bloomberg told BeetPress that he intends to fix it up a little and then possibly sell it a few years later to a Saudi investor for a handsome profit.

As of press time, American billionaire Tom Steyer was reportedly telling friends that he regretted not jumping on the opportunity when he had the chance.



Categories: Business, Politics, Satire

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