Deval Patrick? Whatever, Yeah, Sure

BOSTON, MA – Former Massachusetts governor Deval Patrick has officially announced that he is joining the crowded field of Democrats seeking the nomination for President of the United States for some odd reason.

Patrick, who until yesterday served as managing director of Bain Capital, I guess thought that maybe there weren’t enough candidates or something? I don’t know. He’s black, so maybe he just wanted to add diversity to the field. But there’s Kamala, Castro, and Booker, so it’s not like there aren’t any people of color running.

The news must come as a surprise to Elizabeth Warren supporters, since their both from Massachusetts and he’s supported her senate campaigns and she mentioned him as someone she’d tap for a cabinet position, but why would he decide to jump in the race now? None of this makes sense.

Is the goal here to peel away Bernie supporters? This seems like he’d hurt Warren or Biden more than Bernie, so… I’m scratching my head here.

Does he even have a signature policy position? I know Beto had the gun thing, and Tulsi has the ending interventionist war thing. This might make sense if he had a bold idea, like a Green New Deal kind of thing he really wanted to push for, but I’m struggling to find anything online about it. He doesn’t even have a website.

He’s literally just going on about ‘character of the country,’ as if Biden isn’t already calling the race a fight for the ‘soul of the country.’ What kind of empty rhetoric is that? If I wanted a milquetoast centrist who was against Medicare for All, I’d just support Buttigieg. At least he’s gay, and that’d be something new.

Honestly, why is he doing this? If I wanted to vote for a moderate republican Bain Capital guy who used to be governor of Massachusetts, I’d just vote for Mitt Romney. I swear to God if Hillary Clinton enters the race, I’m going to lose my shit.



Categories: Politics, Satire

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