Desperate DNC Throws Bloomberg Against the Wall, Sees if He Sticks

WASHINGTON, DC – Growing increasingly desperate that one of their preferred candidates has yet to emerge as a clear frontrunner in the 2020 Democratic Primaries, the Democratic Party has thrown former New York City Mayor Michael Bloomberg against the wall to see if he sticks.

According to insider sources, party members are concerned that no single acceptable candidate has emerged as a clear frontrunner after almost 10 months of primary campaigning.

“We had high hopes for Kamala Harris when she announced, but she allowed herself to be steamrolled by Tulsi” said the source who wished to remain anonymous, adding “and then we thought we had a winner with Beto, especially on his gun policy. Joe Biden’s always been favored as well but his downward trend is alarming. We’ve really pushed hard to break out Mayor Pete, offering him as a white, gay Obama, but that doesn’t seem to be resonating with the younger and minority voters that formed his coalition, so we’re really at a loss, and it’s becoming more difficult to figure out what voters actually want.”

With the more progressive candidates, Senators Bernie Sanders and Elizabeth Warren, steadily rising in polls and outperforming Biden in early primary states, DNC insiders are becoming worried.

MSNBC’s Chuck Todd commented “You’ve got an old, white Jewish man who’s an independent, and an old white former republican woman trying to make the case that they can beat Trump, an old, white, New York billionaire. I think Bloomberg, being an old white Jewish New York billionaire who’s been an independent and a republican checks all the demographic boxes the Democrats need to take back the White House. Stacey Abrams! I think Stacey Abrams should be his running mate, I just thought of that.”

“When we lead with our values, we win,” said DNC Chair Tom Perez, adding “and our values are in line with those ex-suburban republicans in Western Pennsylvania and Ohio that will look at Michael Bloomberg, and think, ‘yes, that’s who represents us’. And if Bloomberg doesn’t work out, we’ve got Hillary waiting in the wings.”

According to CNN political commentator Chris Cillizza, “at first, you wouldn’t think former NYC Mayor Michael Bloomberg stood a chance, but consider this: he won three elections in America’s biggest city, so he’s beloved by a broad coalition of voters, he’s progressive as heck, and with Bernie’s campaign in its death throes, his supporters need somewhere to turn, and I think many of them will be taking a serious look at Bloomberg.”

As of press time, it’s been reported that Bloomberg as fallen from the wall and landed in a pile of also-rans that include Bill De Blasio, Eric Swallwell, John Hickenlooper, Jay Inslee, Kirsten Gillibrand, Seth Moulton, Tim Ryan and Beto O’Rourke.

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Categories: Politics, Satire

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