Warren Enjoys Big Structural Donut

BOSTON, MA – Sources close to the democratic presidential candidate have confirmed that Senator Elizabeth Warren enjoyed a big, structural donut for breakfast Wednesday morning.

“I try to eat healthy. I usually have an egg white omelette, coffee with milk, toast, and half a grapefruit for breakfast,” reported Warren, adding “but sometimes I like to be a bit naughty and enjoy a big, structural donut, just like regular hard-working Americans who want to see their children get into a good college or university without breaking the bank.”

The news comes after reports surfaced last week that Warren opted for a big, structural Impossible Burger for lunch instead of her usual big, structural salad with raspberry vinaigrette. “It tastes just like real meat, and best of all, it won’t raise your cholesterol one cent, not one cent,” commented Warren.

The Senator made several changes to her diet in 2016, which included switching to light beer, eliminating red meat, drinking 1% milk, and avoiding high-sodium soups such as Progresso, telling BeetPress “I think I’ve adopted more healthful eating habits, but every so often, it’s fun to indulge in a big, structural cream-puff or a half-pint of vanilla ice cream, and I think most folks who want access to quality, affordable healthcare would agree.”

As of press time, Warren was finishing a phone call with her good friend Neera Tanden before going on a big, structural jog with her golden retriever Bailey.

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Categories: Politics, Satire

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