WESTERVILLE, OH – CNN has confirmed that tonight’s fourth democratic debate at Otterbein University will be a total shit show rife with technical difficulties, protest interruptions, failed zingers, and generalized chaos on stage.
According to moderator Anderson Cooper, “what viewers will see tonight are twelve increasingly desperate candidates, each vying to knock down one or several of the frontrunners with nobody given enough time to articulately explain their policy positions, and there’ll be a lot of pandering. There will definitely be protestors interrupting Biden in the first half, and that will probably derail his thought process for the remainder of the debate.”
Newcomer to the debate stage, Billionaire Tom Steyer, will be given disproportionate time to speak, and will use his time to explain to disinterested voters what they already know about President Donald Trump, and then employ Delanean arguments to explain why democratic voters should want a billionaire businessman to represent them.
Congresswoman Tulsi Gabbard will also be returning to the debate stage after exclusion from the previous debate, and will experience several distracting moments of her microphone cutting out, feedback, and noise interference as she attempts to lay into Senator Elizabeth Warren and former Vice President Joe Biden.
Moderator Marc Lacey from the New York Times will, at several points, lose all control of the debate, allowing all twelve candidates to engage in shouting matches and arguments while he desperately tries and fails to control the conversation. According to Lacey “soon after I ask Mayor Pete a question about police brutality, Beto O’Rourke will start interrupting, and then I’m thinking we’ll see Castro and Booker begin shouting over the two, at which point I’ll just sit back and watch it all unfold because I’ll be powerless to stop it.”
For many on the stage, this may be their last opportunity to gain favor with voters, so candidates are working hard perfecting their zingers and one-liners in the hopes that their quips will land and become viral moments aired on repeat during cable news broadcasts. According to moderator Erin Burnett, “I’m anticipating the candidates will just throw it all out there to see what sticks. Taking a page from Warren, most questions will be answered with one liners or little jokes, and we can expect awkward pauses while the candidates wait for audience reactions. The whole thing will probably be pretty sad.”
As of press time, BeetPress has learned that according to CNN and the New York Times, Elizabeth Warren will win the debate.
The debate begins at 8:00pm Eastern Time and may be viewed on CNN or Pay-Per-View.