WASHINGTON, DC – Vice President Mike Pence spent the weekend putting together a myriad of anti-gay proposals in the event that President Donald Trump is impeached.
According to Pence, the first thing to go will be gay marriage, with the Vice President saying “marriage has always been between one man and one woman, or in the case of Donald, Newt, and some others, one man and several different women. But never at the same time.”
Pence then quietly reflected on his own thirty-five year marriage and what his life would be like if he had grown up in an era where homosexuality was accepted, wishing as a young Catholic boy that he could have been himself without fear of condemnation, before continuing “we’re definitely going to pursue and pass a constitution amendment to define marriage as between a man and a woman.”
When asked whether he would maintain the current policy of allowing gays and lesbians to serve openly in the military, Pence thought back to the time in 1977 where he considered joining the Navy but chose not to out of fear of temptation before saying “In order to increase morale and readiness, I would sign an executive order banning gays in the military and instruct military commanders to remove and discharge all current gay service members.”
Pence is also advocating the use of federal money to fund gay conversion therapy programs, explaining “it’s important for all American youth to have access to programs that allow them to be normal, heterosexual children of God, and to be given the tools to resist….,” before trailing off with thoughts of is own experiences at summer camp, being in close quarters for weeks at at time with dozens of sexually repressed, hormonal youth, hoping to discretely catch a glimpse of Matt Stevenson as he emerged from the lake with beads of water dipping down his bare chest, and his swim trunks riding just low enough to where his lower abs formed a ‘v’, snapping back to attention with “the tools to resist the sinful temptations of the flesh.”
The Vice President then used a handkerchief to wipe beads of sweat from his brow before concluding “under a Pence presidency, we’re going to bring morality back to America.”