Americans Fondly Recall Days When President was Homophobic Murderer

UNITED STATES – Nearly three years into Donald Trump’s presidency, nostalgic Americans are fondly recalling better times in which the president was a simply a homophobic war criminal.

“Every time I turn on the news, it’s something new with this President. Ukraine, the wall, I’m horrified,” said democrat Leslie Mitchell, adding “it kind of makes you miss the good old days when we had a president whose administration oversaw an active torture program at secret prisons throughout the world.”

Fellow Democrat Gregory Fallon echoes Mitchell’s sentiment, saying “when I think of the possibility that Trump was colluding with Russia in order to get elected, one can’t help but feel a certain sense of nostalgia for a president that mobilized hundreds of thousands of troops to unilaterally invade a sovereign nation that was of no direct threat to our country, resulting in the violent deaths of thousands of American service-members and hundreds of thousands of Iraqi civilians.”

Across America, democrats and republicans alike are wistfully recalling the good old days of George W. Bush’s presidency, where instead of calling reporters names, the president simply sent his Secretary of State to present fabricated evidence to the United Nations as proof that Iraq had a weapons of mass destruction program as justification to launch a full scale war which would destabilize the region for decades and give rise to the Islamic State terrorist network.

“The president is an embarrassment; we’re now the laughing stock of the world,” said Beth Jones, a Green Bay, Wisconsin independent, adding “it kind of makes you miss the days when the president was actively pursuing a constitutional amendment to ban gay marriage, botching the federal response to major natural disasters, and wrecking the economy.”

CNN’s Chris Cillizza recently commented “with all the hysteria and controversy surrounding Trump, it’s refreshing to see such public figures as Ellen, Rosie, and the Obamas laughing and dancing with George W. Bush, taking us right back to the time when we had a president who ignored intelligence reports of impending major terrorist attacks, spied on Americans without warrant, and ushered us into the Great Recession.

As of press time, BeetPress has confirmed that former Vice President Dick Cheney will compete in season 29 of Dancing with the Stars, to the delight of all Americans.

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Categories: culture, Politics, Satire

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