Jacob Wohl Releases Statement Claiming to Have Slept with a Woman

WASHINGTON, DC – Former blogger and far-right conspiracy theorist Jacob Wohl, who has been accused of releasing false stories of sexual misconduct by Mayor Pete Buttigieg and Elizabeth Warren, held a press conference on Thursday where he claimed to have had sex with a woman.

“Listen, here are the facts, and they’re indisputable,” said Wohl, addressing a gathering of about a dozen people. “Last week, I engaged in consensual, and non-weird sexual intercourse with a woman named Mercedes Starr. I met her on a website called Eros.com, a site where attractive men like myself seek the companionship of eligible females.”

Wohl was then interrupted by several hecklers who began shouting back at the 21-year old.

“I’m not a virgin, okay, let’s put that to rest,” Wohl responded back, signaling to an un-uniformed police officer to have the hecklers removed from the premises, a request which was denied, continuing “I have several credible sources that can verify these claims, including Ms. Starr herself, and I’d like to give her the opportunity to speak on the subject.”

Wohl then handed the microphone to Starr who told the gathering “everything Jacob said is true. Last week, he reached out to me and we agreed to meet at a hipster coffee shop to get to know one another. From there, we went back to his place where we spent the next several minutes engaged in foreplay and completely normal sex which didn’t involve vibrators, a cat-o-nine-tails, or a lime green strap-on dildo.”

Taking back the microphone, Wohl began to shout over the audible laugher of the audience saying “this isn’t funny. It’s a totally normal thing for someone of my stature to do, and if you want the specifics of how normal and un-kinky our relationship is, I’ll be happy to provide you with the video.”

According to sources, the video provided by Mr. Wohl was a grainy home made sex tape with a PornHub watermark on the bottom right hand corner.

Concluding the press conference, Wohl went on to say “so what we’ve learned is that in the case of me and my sex life, I have had sex with a woman, and not just one woman, excuse me, excuse me, please show the lady some respect. Like I said, I’ve had sex, completely normal, nonviolent sexual intercourse, and that’s all there is to it,” adding, “and if you don’t believe me, I have the receipts.”

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Categories: culture, Satire

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