Dems Seeking Middle Aged Queer Black Woman to Run for President

WASHINGTON, DC – In an effort to not alienate voters, the democratic party has chosen a queer black middle-aged woman to seek the nomination for president.

With such a diverse selection of candidates, voters are faced with a unique challenge. While one may support 37 year old openly gay Mayor Pete Buttigieg, they risk seeming ageist, sexist or racist. One may support Kamala Harris but seem homophobic. One might support Elizabeth Warren and be labeled as racist or homophobic. Some even risk being labeled sexist, racist, and homophobic by supporting Bernie Sanders.

“I was supporting Beto O’Rourke, but then a friend reminded me that it would be offensive to hispanics if I didn’t support Castro,” explained Charlie Davidson, a voter from Dallas, Texas, adding “so I switched to Castro, and now I’m being labeled as homophobic. My girlfriend just called me sexist because I wasn’t supporting Elizabeth Warren, so now I don’t know who to support. If only there was a candidate who checked all these boxes.”

According to Denise Matthews, a Democrat from Altoona, PA, the decision to support a particular candidate has been a challenge, saying “in 2008, I supported Hillary, but then people said I was being racist, so I switched to Obama. He won, and I was ready to support Hillary again in 2016, but then people said it would be anti-Semitic to not support Bernie, so I did that, and, well, I just wish I could support someone based on their policies without being called names.”

When asked, Matthews pledged her support to Andrew Yang.

According to Democratic National Committee chair Tom Perez, Donna Brazile’s name has been floated as the most likely candidate, with Perez saying “with Donna you have a strong woman of color who has openly admitted to being bisexual, and, at 60, she has the experience many democrats are looking for to lead the party. She’s old enough, but not too old. Gay enough, but not too gay. I think she’s a winner.”

Democrats have reacted favorably to the prospect of Brazile’s run, including CNN political commentator Chris Cillizza who said “Donna Brazile is an obvious choice, and she checks many of those demographic boxes. As long as she chooses an asian-hispanic male running mate, say, I don’t know, Tyson Beckford, the dems will be unstoppable.”

Sarasota, Florida voter Richard Matheson is excited to support Brazile, telling BeetPress “I always worry that my choice to support a particular candidate will make me seem like an asshole. I’m sick of being called a homophobe, a racist, ageist, whatever. So, yeah, I support Donna Brazile. I’m enlightened now, and I don’t have to worry about being called names.”

As of press time, BeetPress has learned that the vice chair of the Arizona Democratic Party Brianna Westbrook has announced her run for president and declared that anyone who didn’t support her was “transphobic a. f.”

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Categories: culture, Politics, Satire

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