PHILADELPHIA, PA – During a recent campaign strategy meeting, presidential candidate and former vice president Joe Biden was surprised to find that he is still the frontrunner, leading in all national polls.
“Aggregate data shows polling is up four point nationally from last week,” explained political director Erin Wilson as she presented a series of charts during the state of the campaign briefing, adding “internal polling is still showing strong numbers in South Carolina, Alabama, Arkansas, North Carolina, and Florida.”
“Come on, how is this even possible?” asked Biden, expecting his campaign to be over by now. “Did people even listen to my response to the racism question at the debate? I literally said ‘make sure you have the record player on at night, make sure that kids hear words’ to repair our record on slavery. In 2019, mind you.”
Biden has admitted that he only entered the race to fulfill a promise made to his dying son Beau telling BeetPress “in his final days, Beau said to me, ‘Dad, you have to run for president. Do this for me,’ and so I decided to keep my promise. I told him I’d run, but he didn’t say anything about actually winning. I don’t want to be President, man, come on. I’m almost 77. I’m rich, I have a great family, I’ve had a great career. I just want to live out my days reading Car and Driver [magazine] and playing with my grandkids.”
In an effort to sabotage his campaign, Biden has committed a series of gaffes, including forgetting President Obama’s name, making up war stories, forgetting where he is, and telling supporters that poor kids are just as bright as white kids. This in addition to controversies stemming from Biden’s propensity to sniff people’s hair and violate the personal space of women and children.
“I can’t believe I’m living in a world where someone as bad at campaigning as me is still a serious contender. I don’t have any big ideas; Bernie’s the one with ideas. My healthcare plan is literally Obamacare. And did you hear my Corn Pop story? Does that sound like someone who should be the leader of the free world?” asked Biden. “People need to wake up to the fact that I’d be a terrible president.”
The challenge for Biden is to ruin his campaign without damaging his reputation. “For now, I’m just going to continue giving off the impression that I’m out of touch with reality and possibly a little senile, but if I’m still ahead when January rolls around, I don’t know man, I might have to put a college blackface story out there.”
As of press time, BeetPress has learned that a new Fox News poll shows Biden with an 11-point lead over his closest competitor Bernie Sanders.