Nate Silver Spends Saturday Night Masturbating to Iowa Polls

Man masturbated secretly under the blanket

NEW YORK, NY – Statistician and fivethirtyeight.com editor Nate Silver spent the bulk of Saturday evening masturbating to the latest DMR/Selzer polling data out of Iowa.

“I had a date with some friends for drinks, but when data comes out that’s this smoking hot, sometimes you just have to seize the moment and take care of your needs,” said Silver, who told his friends that he had a headache as a way of getting out of the engagement so he could pleasure himself.

“Omg, yes, Elizabeth Warren, 22 percent, killing it,” Silver muttered to himself has he unzipped and began to manually stimulate his penis, continuing “20 percent for Biden isn’t bad either. I put Bernie at 16 percent in my prediction and this poll shows him at… holy shit. Eleven? That’s so sexy. Yes, yes, yes, look at those numbers plunging from the last poll.”

Having worked himself into a frenzy digging deeper into polling breakdowns, Silver reportedly found himself to the edge of orgasm and had to force himself to stop while scanning the Bernie Sanders’ row.

“I can’t believe this, it’s better than I could have ever imagined,” commented a red-cheeked Silver as he removed his hand for fear of blowing his wad prematurely. “36 percent unfavorable. Oh my god, oh my god. This is amazing. No one likes this guy. I’m sorry, I gotta cum soon.”

After resuming his self gratification, Silver then scrolled back up to take another look at Sanders’ data, reading slowly across the demographic support breakdown before ejaculating onto a used sock.

“As soon as I saw Bernie’s support for whites was down significantly from 2016, I knew I had to jizz,” said Silver, wiping semen off his right hand, adding “if the results from the next Politico/Morning Consult poll go the way I hope they do, I might not be leaving the house for a couple days, if you get what I’m saying.”

Although his masturbatory adventure was quicker than he would have wished, Silver admitted that the data was “just too hot”, and that he was confident he could “get rock hard again” by revisiting the “sexy a.f.” September 18th Economist/YouGov national poll showing Sanders behind Warren and Biden at 14 percent.

The CNN/Des Moines Register/Mediacom poll was conducted by Selzer & Co. of Des Moines, Iowa, September 14 through 18 among a random sample of 602 likely Democratic caucusgoers reached on landlines or cell phones by a live interviewer. Results for the full sample of likely caucusgoers have a margin of sampling error of plus or minus 4.0 percentage points.

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Categories: Entertainment, Politics, Satire

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