Warren Enters Rehab After Grabbing Drinks with 4000 Supporters

BOSTON, MA – Democratic presidential candidate Elizabeth Warren has entered an inpatient rehabilitation facility to receive treatment for alcoholism after grabbing drinks with over 4000 supporters, sources close to the campaign have confirmed.

Warren voluntarily checked into the Serenity at Summit New England in Haverhill, MA on Thursday at the urging of her campaign manager Roger Lau, who told BeetPress, “In all her eagerness to get out and have drinks with her supporters, Elizabeth took things a little too far.”

Grab a Drink with Warren was initially a clever way to solicit donations, where donors would have the opportunity to share a drink of their choice and discuss policy with the senator. While the term drink was nonspecific to alcohol, most supporters opted for beer, wine, or liquor.

Warren enjoys a beer with supporter

“Elizabeth likes meeting face to face with those who support her, so she was really hesitant to turn anyone down for fear of losing support,” explained Lau, adding “we tried limiting her to four or five meetings, but Elizabeth just wanted to rally through. It’d get to the point where she was meeting hundreds of supporters a night, basically just lining up tequila shots and working her way down the line. We’d have to carry her out of the bar and make sure she got home safely.”

Lau has admitted that Warren’s meetings into all hours of the night were having a negative impact on her campaign, where she’d reportedly arrive late to key conference calls, and fall asleep during strategy meetings.

“The problem isn’t that she’s excited to meet and have a drink with fans, it’s that she doesn’t know when to stop,” echoed Warren 2020 communications director Kristen Orthman. “I can’t tell you how many times she’d pass out in a pool of her own vomit in front of the cameras. It started getting embarrassing having to cover for her, telling people she had some bad sushi for lunch.”

In a statement issued to the press, Warren expressed thankfulness to those around her, saying “I’ve come to realize that my meetings with supporters was adversely affecting those around me, my friends, my staffers, and my family. I am on the road to recovery, and doing well. I will be sticking to selfies from now on, and through God’s grace, I will overcome this disease and make it all the way to the White House.”

As of press time, sources confirm that Warren was pinky-swearing to her treatment counselor that she’s never touch a drink again.



Categories: Politics, Satire

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