FALLS CHURCH, VA – As the soft light of morning shone through the window and lapped across the face of Chris Cillizza, the CNN political commentator was disappointed to come to the realization that Bernie Sanders does in fact exist, and is currently in second place in the 2020 democratic primary race.
“Oh, darn it,” exclaimed Cillizza, wiping the sleep from his eyes, summoning a response from his wife.
“Oh Chris, did you have that dream again?” asked Gia.
“Oh, it was so beautiful,” replied Cillizza, “All the candidates were on a big debate stage. Kamala, Warren, Beto, Mayor Pete… everyone was there except Bernie. They all looked so dignified. They were all smiling and sharing their bold visions of expanding Obamacare, reaching across the aisle, and strengthening the middle class. There was no talk of Medicare for All or Green New Deals. It was just democratic utopia.”
Last night’s dream marked the 43rd occasion this year where Cillizza’s subconscious took over and presented him with Sandersless visions ranging from Kamala Harris sitting on a golden throne while being fanned and fed grapes by GOP lawmakers, to Biden riding shirtless on a white stallion, to Beto O’Rourke rescuing a kitten from a tree before signing a bill mandating the buyback of all guns in America, all in an ideal dream world where the Vermont senator had never been born.
“Last week, I presented my power rankings, and I guess I was still dreaming a little, because I left Bernie off completely,” admitted Cillizza, adding, “but the higher ups at CNN said I couldn’t be that obvious, so I had to fit him in between Amy Klobuchar and Julian Castro, but it would have been so nice if I could have gotten away with it. Even thinking about a world without Bernie brings a smile to my face. I think I need to take a nap.”
Some have expressed concern that Cillizza tends to escape into his dream world when confronted by certain information, including CNN editor Brenna Williams, who said, “a couple days ago, the California primary poll came out showing Bernie tied for first place, and Chris downed four Ambien and said he was going to that special place with visions of Elizabeth Warren hovering over him whispering that she’ll work within the establishment and play nice with the democratic donors. He did seem more at peace when he woke up five hours later.”
As of press time, Cillizza was putting the finishing touches on a voodoo doll of Sanders’ likeness that he plans to use to help him get through the October debates, exclaiming “and that… is the point” as he thrust a large needle through the doll’s heart.