WASHINGTON, DC – According to sources close to the former vice president, Joe Biden has taken over John Delaney’s body in an effort to revive his flailing campaign for president.
After a series of gaffes, memory lapses, and mixing up of facts, political pundits and those close to Biden had become increasingly worried about his fitness to serve as president of the United States. Following an episode where Biden’s eye began to melt during the climate change town hall on Wednesday, advisors made the decision to have the 76-year old former senator take over a host body.
“Mr. Biden began the process last night of invading the host body, entering through the rectum, and secreting a powerful mind-control chemical into former congressman Delaney,” said Symone Sanders, senior advisor to Biden, adding “Now that the process is complete, Joe Biden is in full control of what used to be Delaney. Essentially John Delaney is now Joe Biden, or the other way around, I’m actually not sure how this all works.”
The choice to invade Delaney’s body was made due to his relative youth, being 56 years of age, his mild resemblance to Biden, and the fact that, as he was polling in last place with 0% in nearly every poll, no one would really notice or care.
“The only real difference you’re going to see is that Joe Biden looks slightly different, but speaks clearly and articulately, and has no trouble accurately recalling facts and stating his policy positions. Plus he tires less quickly, requiring fewer naps,” explained Biden 2020 campaign manager Greg Schultz.
The new Joe Biden was debuted at a fundraiser hosted by Western LNG co-founder Andrew Goldman and David Soloman on Thursday, much to the confusion of Goldman’s wife Renee, who noted “I saw John Delaney standing around and though it was odd since he wasn’t invited. But then he walked up and gave me an unwanted shoulder massage. Then I saw him sniff Sarah Soloman’s hair and that’s when I got it.”
Within his new host body, Biden plans to extensively campaign in early-primary states touting his wildly unpopular healthcare and climate change plans.
As of press time, BeetPress has confirmed that a parasitic Barack Obama has taken over the body of Elizabeth Warren in order to seek a third term.